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M22 thinks of fucking older women

2020.11.17 02:17 Helpful-Ad1633 M22 thinks of fucking older women

This is probably usual, but I want to get it off my chest. I've always wanted to be with someone older than me like 30 to 50+. Idk about being with someone older than 55, but anywhere between that hell yes. I've read Literotica about that. I've watched porn about fucking milf's and older women. Even about fucking their mom's, but I don't think about my own mom like that. Not even a relative in that way. Just it being an older women is hot asf.
I've fucked and sext with someone double my age, a couple years older than me, even flirted with a professor. I obviously masterbated to the thought of fucking those professors. I've went on Craigslist on the hunt for some older woman to fuck and do so much with. I've even looked for sugar momma's like idk what puts them above in my head of the girls my age. Like it's just when I see that beautiful older women with that full ass wider hips and body, sometimes big tits. Sometimes even not the type to you'd think of when thinking of masterbating material. Omg, I'm getting hard just thinking of hotwife or milf or horny, lonely professor that needs fulfillment. I've even went on tinder and OKc looking for those women and chatting with them. Like hearing them want me. Me telling then what I'd do to them. 🤤🤤 Thinking of all the ways of use them and how they'd use me.
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2020.08.02 23:34 prettycitylight 26 [f4mf/f] #marietta, #buckhead - it got deleted?

i am trying to find sugar mommas PREFERABLY but i doubt many are on here... and clearly craigslist doesn’t work that way anymore.
but hi everyone, my name is kristine, in medical school studying to be a neurosurgeon. i really want a sugar mama (or sugar daddy that ONLY WANTS a friend / companion). like i want a sugar parent friendship lmao.
i don’t mind getting touched and like making out etc, but i’m a virgin (waiting till marriage) so i will NOT have sex, please don’t ask. again i don’t mind being touched or stuff like that so we can do that as much as anyone wants. I DO HAVE A BOYFRIEND BTW. BUT HE KNOWS I AM POSTING THIS AD.
this is real. it’s august 2nd, 2020. my post was removed, i’m not sure how that happened, but corona has completely ruined my job so until i find another i need money :( i have school loans to pay off 🥺 i also have applied to other jobs but figured i’d try this too?
let’s talk? please don’t message unless you’re real about this too. please send me a picture (imgur??) and i’ll reply or if no picture, i won’t reply.
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2019.12.02 15:12 Etrurian_Pyramids Trying To Recap: Season 7 Episode 5

We open in a clean apartment in Kyev, where two happily engaged people are having tomatoes and coffee for breakfast. But even they can’t escape the topical TLC moment where they grossly overshare about their intimate life, and they feel the need to inform the public that sexual intercourse has indeed taken place last night (probably with momma Natalie praying for children behind the door). Speaking of which, Natalie finally tells Mike that she wants a kid (complete with a childish “please?”, inspired by Karine). They have a relatively calm conversation in which both explain their needs and anxieties without imposing too much on the other. Tania bursts through the wall. “That’s not how you do it, Natalie! Say you’re having kids, with or without him, that’s how you make sure he’ll never leave you. He wouldn’t ask a man those questions!”
Mike then submits himself to the traditional interrogation, this time with Natalie’s old friend. They talk about children again, while a walking condom advert screeches in the background. “Kids will be coming shortly, to a theater near you! Stay tuned!”, Mike assures us. We then discover that Mike has formed his theological views by smoking weed in the barn with Bojangles and believes in Ancient Aliens. The women nod politely, and Natalie is probably thinking about pumping the brakes a little bit. Well played, Mike, well played.
To work off their dinner, Natalie drags Mike to the park and gives me traumatic flashbacks by transforming into my middle school gym teacher. “Sport life is cool! Sport is really important!”. Natalie, I’m watching a shitty reality show while eating Christmas sweets. You are not selling me on this. Mad respect to couples who stay fit together, but this type of relationship seems absolutely exhausting to me. “I like this nice steady jog in nature”, Mike wheezes. Who are you trying to convince here, us or yourself? He temporarily escapes the work-out session by mentioning her ex-husband, which causes Natalie to pull up her E.T. hoodie in defense mode. They bicker aimlessly for a bit, because every 90 Day Fiancé couple needs a conflict and they are just too reasonable to find one. At least not until the debt bomb is dropped. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
In mountain-less Nebraska, TLC tries to squeeze the last drops of wholesomeness and whimsy out of this doomed relationship. Mursel adds the word “honeycomb” to his English vocabulary of yes, no, and ok, and is crafting a beekeeping-inspired altar, while Anna prepares cute honey flasks as wedding favours. I’m not falling for it. They have spent the last four episodes showing that a quirky common hobby doesn’t save you from terrible life decisions, and now I believe in nothing. Anna and Mursel engage in a very normal conversation for a couple that is supposed to get married in a few weeks, like “Do you ever plan on publicly acknowledging my children?”. “We need to work on communication”, Anna declares through Google Translate, and whines to the camera that she “didn’t think it was gonna be this hard”, after bringing a foreigner that doesn’t speak English to an English-speaking country. Mursel on the other hand confesses that he’s dodging all of her hard questions and that it’s better that they don’t understand each other. I fear the honeycomb altar will be making an appearance on Craigslist very soon.
Anna then goes dress shopping, looking as comfortable as a political journalist in Turkey. Of course Mursel, who is sleeping and living with his girlfriend before marriage, has strong opinions about modesty, and of course Anna just goes “Murica! I’ll wear what I want!” Why are they together again? Her friend asks some very normal questions, which make the bride start crying tears of pure joy. Anna, I know that look. It’s the look I have when I know I’m about to make a horrible decision and I want someone to stop me because I’ve lost control of my life and I don’t know how to fix it. Invest in lots of emotional support chocolate.
At a way less peaceful breakfast table, Robert and Anny, who’ve known each other for two weeks, continue to bicker like an old couple who doesn’t know that divorce is now legal. Anny expresses that she would like more affection and Robert rolls his eyes like he’s the relatable dad in a shitty outdated sit-com. Oh boy, bitchy crazy feeeeemales, amiright?
They go take a boxing class, and of course the instructor is Hispanic, and way more attractive. He and Anny wax lyrical about Dominican nature in Spanish, but it doesn’t take long before she involves him in their boring social media melodrama. I bet Robert hasn’t even changed his relationship status on Facebook, the turncoat! He reiterates that he’s only keeping photos of him with his ex for their children, because he has never heard of a USB stick. And besides, social media pictures don’t mean anything, nothing at all, and only a crazy emotional female would care about that. “So it’s ok if I post photos with my ex, right?”, asks Anny. “Fuck you! Let that motherfucker take you to the airport then! Deuces!”, says Robert, demonstrating less self-awareness than Nicole. “Hey, can we go back to punching things? I feel uncomfortable right now”, says Miguel.
Robert listlessly spars with the instructor, putting less weight in those punches than Bryson would, complaining about his girlfriend all the while. “You got a point, man”, says Miguel because there’s nothing else anyone can say in this situation, and wonders if he should charge extra for this impromptu counselling service. Then Robert and Anny repeat the exact same conversation for the hundredth time, but the piano background music indicates we’re supposed to find this charming, I guess.
Robert then goes to clear the air between his free au pair and his porn star ex-mother-in-law. Say what you want about him, the man has an interesting life. He defends his damsel armed with the best arguments, like that it’s no one’s business if they want to have a sixth child, and that Anny didn’t just appear out of thin air one day, it was a transition! A transition consisting of a cruise fuck, a string of angry emojis, and a trip to the consignment store: all the typical steps in a normal engagement. At least she does have a good relationship with Bryson: you get to know each other pretty well when you share a bed every night. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Meanwhile, Juliana lives out Larissa’s wild dream of buying a couch, which gives Michael an excuse to show off his douchy expensive car (but I bet it has air conditioning!). Michael is very excited that she knows how to drive stick shift, desperate to prove that there’s something else, anything else, he likes about her except her body. “I watch Bob Sponge!”, Juliana declares. No wonder she gets so along with the kids, she’s closer in age to them than to her sugar daddy. In typical TLC fashion, Juliana falls in love with an expensive couch that looks like it has seen a Smurf genocide, and Michael has to cockblock her. “No, we haven’t talked about finances yet”, Michael says while fondling her backside, then acts surprised that a young woman with no experience handling large amounts of money hasn’t made the most responsible decisions with the credit cards he has given her unrestricted access to. Her immediately buying a car with his money “looks bad”, says the 42-year-old with a wife half his age and a poverty fetish. Juliana explains that she bought a car in Brazil because she wasn’t sure if she was going to get her visa. So, in other words, better spend all of his money now in case it doesn’t work out in the end. She remarks that it “wasn’t a lot of money for Michael”. Is it bad that I’m on her side? It’s obvious he’s going to trade her in for a younger model in a few years, better get the bag while she can. Michael decides they’re just going to forget about it, as if he’s not going to throw it in her face as soon as they have a minor disagreement.
The family then moves into their new home, with little Max lamenting that he has to give up his front seat. Tasha is heard screaming in the distance. We then get a genuinely serious and moving moment: Juliana remarks on how different her quality of life used to be in Brazil, and how she feels a bit of survivor’s guilt when she thinks about her relatives who still live there. Just a shame that Michael is probably jerking it in the walk in closet, thinking about how poor she was before meeting him. “Oh yeah, tell me about that time your whole family was evicted! I'm almost there! Tell me about the rats!”
In the enchanted fairyland of a prefabricated Soviet apartment block, Sasha is doing his best to support his wife after her C-section, do his fair share of childcare and prove his reliability. Just kidding, he spends his days toning up Moscow ladies at the gym, and sees his child five(!) hours a week. Father-son quality time apparently consists in Sasha loafing around on the couch and shopping for baby momma no.4 on his iPad. “But muuuuuum, I don’t wanna!”, he whines when Emily asks to go for a walk in the park.
Like a snake or a lizard, he has lots of children but no experience in raising them, Emily remarks. He has also failed to procure a passport for the baby in the last six months. This means that Steven, who didn’t speak the language, only found out about the Cold War after he fucked a Russian chick and thought that weight is measured in kilometres, has navigated Russian bureaucracy more successfully than Sasha, a local. Emily introduces him to the exotic concept of parenting, and he plaintively asks “Do I have a choice?”. “Can you please help grandma with the groceries, sweetie?” “Do I even have a choice, mum?!” Welcome To My Life plays in the background. Sasha reflects on how all his ex-wives have changed after a year with him, and how the same is happening with Emily. Could it be that living at the gym, never prioritizing a kid you helped create and bailing on most childcare responsibilities makes a man really unattractive? No, it’s the women who are wrong!
Good news for Anna and Mursel: they’re not the most awkward couple in town anymore! Jasmin keeps showing absolutely no interest in Blake, though maybe she’s just unable to move her face after all that Botox. And Blake knows very well that his girlfriend is very shy and still jetlagged from an intercontinental flight; so of course he’s invited his flock of friends over, all ready to discover if “she’s here for the right reasons”. What fun! Jasmin pulls a Benjamin and tries to deny Blake his pineapple mojito. She doesn’t want to put “poison” in her body; clearly stabbing yourself with fillers like a voodoo doll doesn’t count. To the surprise of no one, the jetlagged introverted girl in a new country who has just had a dozen new people sprung on her leaves the gathering early.
At a romantic dinner, Jasmin still looks absolutely disgusted with Blake (again, it could just be the Botox). Blake tries to make conversation and she shuts him down again. We should hook her up with Mursel, so they can not talk to each other over a non-alcoholic beverage all night long. Jasmin already looks like she has been stung by his bees. I hope to God Blake is in on this and doing it all for the exposure, or we have truly reached a legendary level of discomfort. I’ll never feel awkward ever again!
In a car that would be a way comfier home than Tania’s little shed of horrors, the self-identified Latina and the simple guy from the bush go meet her family. Syngin handles himself admirably well (I admit I’m way more like Jasmin in social situations), and Tania’s relatives all seem very nice too, even though grandma has watched too much Game of Thrones and goes on a weird tangent about “defending her blood”. Tania pressures him about children again; awkwardness and forced laughter all around.
TLC doesn’t even need to pull the weirdly-defensive-relative-card to create tension, because Tania announces that she’s going to Costa Rica for a month. “What?!”, grandma screeches, echoing us all. Apparently, Tania just needs to trip on shrooms at the beach… I mean, learn super serious authentic herbalist traditions. But don’t worry, this is going to help her realize her dream of becoming “the community witch doctor”. Even if that were a serious career path: I’ve never seen a person less suited for such a soothing, confidential role. Anyway, how long until she starts selling essential oils on Facebook? Taking bets now.
“He’s absolutely ok with it!”, Tania reassures everyone, while Syngin looks like a child who’s just had his ice cream stolen. The family brings up the very valid point that he now has to live alone with his girlfriend’s mom, in a shed in her backyard. I have to say, if there’s anyone that could make that situation not-awkward, that’s probably Syngin. Still sounds like my worst nightmare.
Next week, Syngin doesn’t know if he should be sad or relieved that Tania is leaving, we are supposed to care about an abuser’s love life, Juliana pretends she doesn’t know what a prenup is, Sasha cries manly tears while leaving the motherland, Blake’s parents take one look at Jasmin and go “Nope!”, and three boys in tuxedos kick Mursel to the curb.
submitted by Etrurian_Pyramids to 90DayFiance [link] [comments]

2019.05.11 17:16 callanfx Recently adopted 6yr old potty training issues

Hi y'all, my fiance and I have a rescue 3 yr old chihuahua mix who is the perfect little boy. He is really my fiance's dog, I've been looking for a while for my own dog that would get along with the boy. We recently (about 2 weeks ago) adopted another little one off craigslist. Sugar is a 6 yrs old dachshund mix who's original human mom passed away and was then surrendered to a shelter, she was adopted by a very nice couple who had her for 3 months and then we found her. She is the absolute sweetest dog, you can tell she's had nothing but love her entire life and just wants to kiss your face. She really is a good dog and fits nicely with our little boy, they even had their third zoomies together 2 days ago which was a great step!
The ONLY issue is her potty training. We think her original mom was older and just let her go anywhere in the house whenever she pleased. At first she was going EVERYWHERE all the time, with training she could grasp that peeing was not ok but cannot seem to get the pooping down. We have a schedule set with our other boy of going out 3 times a day- Morning, after lunch, and then right before bed since we live in an apartment and don't have a yard to let them out all the time.
Unfortunately Sugar see's potty time as play/walk time (which we do often, she has lots of play time and explore time). When she goes out she literally just trots that little butt down the sidewalk and has to be persuaded into the grass, she doesn't even make an attempt to go potty (no sniffing or anything) but will just stand there and stare at you blankly. She will go pee, but EVERYDAY as SOON as she gets back inside she sneaks off when we're distracted and poops on the carpet. I'm getting a little irritated as every time I turn around, there is poop I almost step in and it smells SO. BAD.
We've been taking her out more times in between the set outside breaks to ease her into the schedule. Taking her out with our other dog and praising him every time he goes potty to show her, praising her every few times she goes outside , tried bringing treats outside. I'll bring her inside for a few minutes and then take her out again to try and catch her from going on the carpet but she'll literally hold it outside. We put puppy pads down since we were told she may use them, but she goes NEXT to them. The issue is that she doesn't alert us when she has to go, at all. We've been watching her closely for maybe a little quirk right before we catch her going #2... nothing. Every morning I wake up, there's poop waiting for me. I don't even know when she gets up in the middle of the night to do it. We tried taking her on little walks every time thinking maybe she needs a little exercise to work it up, but she just does NOT go and waits until we're back in the house. She just enjoys the walks and wants to only stay on the sidewalk, grass again has to be persuaded. And if it's wet? Good Luck.
Because of her going in the middle of the night, our other boy now thinks its ok to go too!! We have NEVER had an issue with him and he normally would wake us up if it was an emergency. But the past few days they BOTH have been going while we're asleep. It's like its getting worse, not the other way around. We are completely baffled by this! My fiance and I both have had dogs all our lives and trained them ourselves but we can tell nothing is getting through to her. She grasped that peeing belongs outside, but she just IS NOT grasping the pooping. I really love her to death and she gets cuddles galore, but oohhh goodddd is she testing Momma's strength

Do I just need to stay consistent on what we have been doing? How do I stop her from going in the middle of the night when she's not waking us up? How do we prevent our other dog from picking up bad habits? How do I train her to alert us when she needs to go? I don't have the heart to crate her at nights because she cries when she can't get to me.
submitted by callanfx to Dogtraining [link] [comments]

2019.01.12 12:43 KovaLove SA: These SD's Are Persuasive Liars!

I cannot believe how difficult it has been to establish a genuine connection with an honest person on SA. I never questioned that it would be difficult, but I mean, WOW. Some of these people have made a real art out of trying to scam us Sugar Babes. I have come across men posing as Sugar Momma's, the typical "give me your bank info blahblahblah", the quick-to-sex assholes, and the "kind & loving" scammers. Hell, I even came across a Real Estate salesman who promised me a weekly allowance every Friday if I posted his housing listings to Craigslist! lol (Does that even count as a Sugar Daddy?) All of this in less than a month. Although, I'm sure it's really not that surprising.
THEY'RE ALL LIARS. It's so frustrating! I just about gave up on everything earlier, when someone sent me a message just before signing off. I thought to myself "Okay, I will give this another shot". We exchanged a few friendly messages before I asked him what he was looking for in a SD/SB-R. He quickly responded "Honesty & trust". I was excited to know that we were on the same page, because it is utterly grueling going through the same process over and over again, only to be let down. He claimed his last sugar baby hurt him badly by trying to take all of his money, so the CIA is doing an investigation right now on all of his personal accounts. With that being said, the "ONLY" way he would be able to make a transaction is through the company account. He of course proceeded to ask me for my banking details. I declined obviously, telling him that I will wait until our M&G, but he insisted on taking care of me NOW. After standing my ground, he ghosted, just like the rest of them. (Oh, also, when he sent me a picture of himself it didn't match his profile picture on Kik. He said the profile picture is of HIS ONLY FRIEND who died yesterday, and that he just decided to use his picture as his profile picture 😂 Like, WHAT?!)
I'm at a loss. It's becoming harder and harder to take anyone seriously when they contact me. I don't want to appear as cold & closed-off to a genuine SD and potentially ruin my chances of establishing a legit relationship. But it's hard not to be unenthusiastic upon being contacted, when it's more than likely that they're just another scammer. Do REAL SD's have this hard of a time too?
submitted by KovaLove to sugarlifestyleforum [link] [comments]

2018.05.15 01:26 nova227188 what is the new site to take craiglist spot ?

i just want to know if there is any new sites like craigslist to find people to hook up with and keep it a secret and also anybody know if there are any single milfs in toledo or sugar mommas and im looking for a fwb around my age in collage
submitted by nova227188 to u/nova227188 [link] [comments]

2017.06.29 16:06 fallingthin POT Single Lesbian SM? D/s BDSM relationship...

Hello Over the years, SDs have kind of found me. I was not looking for them, they just kind of fell into my lap (or I into theirs.) I literally fell into my husbands lap and he is from a great family that pays a large sum of his expenses. I have to work but Christmas at their house is phenomenal, especially for our kids.
I'm getting off track though.
I posted an ad on Craigslist seeking a female FWB. I had no intention of finding a SM or SD. Ironic isn't it?
I received a response from an older woman who made an offer. It isn't your basic offer either. She wants me to be her kept sub. SHE IS A FRIGGEN DOMINATRIX. She says she generally pays $800 a week in allowance.
Since I've never been with a female Sugar Momma or SP who was into D/s I'm not really sure what the protocol is if any. Has anyone else had any part of these experience? Have anyone been a kept sub? Is $800 a week good?
I've been out of the game too long to really know if that's an insult or being generous especially since this is a unique POT SR.
She seems rather determined to pursue this relationship. We are suppose to meet soon.
Thanks! Any useful advice is welcome.
submitted by fallingthin to sugarlifestyleforum [link] [comments]

2016.06.08 06:55 fiplefip personal (Crown heights)

Looking for my sugar momma Invite me to your place 😏
from Craigslist
submitted by fiplefip to FreeStuffNYC [link] [comments]

2014.12.27 15:43 tommyfitzgerald Crazy craigslist lady

Hi my name's Tom I live in the St. Louis area and this is a horror story about something that happened to me that almost fucked up my life forever. When I was 21 years old I broke up with my first ever serious girlfriend who I had been together with for 8 months needless to say I was devastated. I fell into a deep depression and I began abusing pain killers and xanax really heavily and I began looking for any chick I could find to rebound with. I ended up looking on the personal section on Craigslist and I found an ad for a girl named Stephanie
. I began talking to her and I arrange for her to come pick me up on night we had intercourse that night and decided to make it a regular thing. she was an older lady about 35 and a bigger girl but she had her own apartment and enough money to keep me loaded on as much drugs and alcohol as I wanted. to be honest I kind of used this lady and used her as my sugar momma for a better lack of a word. after a while she grew really really attached to me and started to want a more serious relationship. eventually she started dropping hints about wanting to get married. She said she wanted to do this to help me out so she could get me on her insurance so I can get help for my drug and alcohol problem which I refused to consider. One day we got into a big argument and she told the police that I had been abusing her and got a temporary restraining order on me.
a week after she did this she called me crying her eyes out saying please forgive me I love you and all this other stuff and said she wanted to come pick me up buy me some dope and alcohol and get me something to eat and being the addict I am I of course accepted. from the moment she picked me up I noticed that she was acting kind of odd she was usually really talkative and was always on my ass wanting to talk to me about this and that, but on this day she was oddly quiet. when we got back to her apartment after I walked in she immediately pushed me on the couch and pulled my pants down and began giving me head. Then she climbed on top of me and began riding me and she seemed angry when I didn't come inside her. I had been getting bad vibes off of her the whole night so after this happened I immediately asked her for a ride back home which she quickly agreed to do. after I got dropped off at the house I went inside and I sat down my sister and watch some spongebob with her.
About 10 minutes after I was home I got a call on the phone. I picked up the phone and to my surprise a lady on the other end said this is the st. Louis County Police Department we're going to need you to come outside to talk to you. I ran down stairs and hid my weed and my pills and then walked outside to figure out what the hell was going on. when I walked outside there were about 7 different cops on my porch and they were all pointing tazers and guns at me. One of them hit me in the back of my leg with a nightstick and put me on the ground and I was handcuffed. the cops then talked to my mom and got permission to go inside of the house where they took a drug dog and began doing a thorough search of my room and my basement area. None of the cops on the scene would tell me what was going on whenever I would ask a question about why were they there they told me I would have to talk to the detective at the station.
when I got to the police station I had a bombshell dropped on me apparently this lady had accused me of kidnapping her and raping her. she told the police that she had come by my house to return some of my stuff cuz we had just broken up and that I had come out hold a knife to her throat and forced my way into her vehicle took her back to her apartment and raped her repeatedly. thankfully I had remembered that we made a couple stops on the way to her apartment. she had gone inside of a gas station to get a couple packs of cigarettes with me so there was no way that I could have kidnapped her. the police still swabbed my dick for DNA and they also took my clothes for evidence and I was forced to spend the night in the st. Louis County Jail wearing nothing but hospital scrubs.
I was released the next morning but my ordeal was far from over. this lady began constantly stalking me she would call me every night at odd times from blocked numbers and either crying into the phone or just beg to talk to me. I also began seeing her vehicle quite a lot in the neighborhood even though she lives nowhere close to me. I called the police about this a couple times but they didn't really seem to care they told me I would have to go get a restraining order on her in order to make it stop. I wanted nothing to do with the court system though because I have a criminal record and I just decided to ignore her and I hope that the problem would go away. after a couple months she finally did stop bothering me as much however to this day sometimes I get calls at 2 or 3 in the morning from blocked numbers. and every new girlfriend I get she messages them on Facebook and tells them how I "raped" her.
moral of the story be careful who you meet online whether you're a guy or a girl all it takes is one crazy person to completely ruin your life
submitted by tommyfitzgerald to LetsNotMeet [link] [comments]

2013.06.23 16:35 throwawayCHOseeker 23(M4F) Looking for 30-50 year old Sugar Momma

Actively looking for a Sugar Momma, but I'm not sure where to look. Joined a paid Sugar Momma dating site, but there are literally no members who match my (rather liberal) search criteria within 200 miles. I live in the SF Bay Area, so I'm sure this doesn't reflect the number of women interested in something like this, but how do I find them? Craigslist was a bust, but then I didn't look terribly hard.
Any ideas?
submitted by throwawayCHOseeker to dating [link] [comments]

2013.05.01 23:26 meowcorgi The Tale of Coolwhipper, Appendix C: Dungeons & Doughnuts

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6
Appendix A Appendix B Appendix D
Sorry for posting so soon. I'm home sick and writing seemed like the most productive thing I could do with my achy body. And and... number 10 on the sidebar! Right?
Just a note: This happened before Coolwhipper and Whipped Hamcream were married but I'm used to them being husband and wife, so I'll just keep referring to them as married. "Fiance" doesn't sound as good to me.
Be me
Be getting ready to play an awesome game of Dungeons and Dragons
Be a half-elf druid, the girliest combo imaginable!
Our group is too large in numbers and mass to all sit at the table
Luckily I recently got a papasan chair from my momma for my birthday
It's like sitting in a bowl wrapped in a cloud, strangely comforting
The people who play D&D with us are all varying degrees of overweight to obese
(Save the token ridiculously skinny nerd who eats nothing but junk but gains nothing)
Try to figure out how to politely inform them that the weight limit on my chair is 250lbs and to sit in it with their best judgment
Coolwhipper perks up
"Oh, that's how much I weigh!"
She plods over and drops her entire weight into my chair with as much force as she could muster
I hear the bamboo creak
The staples are audibly ripped from their attachments
mfw My poor fluffy cloud chair, you had a good life
CW complains that my chair is horrible and uncomfortable
Soon gets up
I steal my spot back and put my clip-boarded character sheet and dice bag in my lap
Just a note: Later on, Fatbro gave me $15 to get a new frame off craigslist because he also sat in my chair later and it couldn't be said who definitively broke it. CW kept claiming that it wasn't her problem because she was under the weight limit. My point is...Fatbro is a good bro.
We start playing
Whipped Hamcream, Coolwhipper's husband, is the DM
Because of this, CW is used to getting gads of attention and special treatment at the D&D table
If she doesn't, WH is denied sex or forced to sleep on the couch
You think he'd be grateful
Absolutely no one enjoys CW's attention whore-ish nature when it comes to playing games
She deserves the best stuff
She does the most damage because she has the best stuff, so she deserves all the cool stuff looted from dungeons
We'd virtually be screwed without her
She's the fatty paste that holds this party together, guys
She needs all the good fixins because without her we'd be screwed
Whatever. I'm a secondary flowery druid character with a bear mount, a tiger that follows me, and a staff that turns into a snake.
Enjoy D&D even though I don't do much
Try to ignore the drama she causes
Gaming goes off track with people talking and nerdy bullshit
mfw I love tangents that are coated with laughter
We're talking about the joys of girls getting more AC by wearing less
There are three girls in our party; me, Coolwhipper, and a pear-shaped chick (PSC).
I'm the most lusted-after chick in our gaming circle
Not trying to be vain, it's just true
Met wildebeetus eventually that way
PSC seems to be happily married, CW is married but still appreciates man attention
So she starts talking about her boobs
Makes the 5 or so nerd fellas really uncomfortable as she gropes herself
"It would be so awesome to get real leather armor, or a leather corset, to cover up these bad boys"
I imagine getting real leather armor... that would be pretty badass. Druids!
Imagine the amount of cows that would have to die to cover CW
She then starts talking about how great big breasts are compared to small ones
Notes how CAHS (mutual friend) has tiny breasts, is pretty, but would be more sexually appealing with larger boobs
CAHS not here to defend self, awkward comments
"Like, who would want a girlfriend with small ones when you could have bigger?"
I dunno, CW, there are limits to the sex appeal of boobs, but what do I know
"Like... who would want boobs like meowcorgi's when they could have mine?"
...Wait, what?
Were my boobs just called out at the D&D table?
"My boobs aren't small...and they're not bad."
Notice the guys at the D&D table who have crushes on me are sitting there awkwardly
I feel awkward defending my body in front of them
"I didn't say yours were bad, geez, I just said that mine are better."
Tempted to say bigger by default, not better
Hold it in
She looks to the guys and PSC (bisexual) for backup on this point
Pretty much everyone says it's a matter of preference
Even her husband doesn't yield to her "bigger is better" point
CW looks ticked that no one said she had the bestest knockers in the room
She doesn't, by the way
I've seen them many times
I'm going to paint you a word picture
To start, the distance between each breast is around 5 inches
The distance grows as she expands
They also would lay flat against her stomach paunch when she wasn't wearing a bra
Not all the way to her bellybutton, but almost
Her nipples were also extremely unfortunate
Very long
They actually wrapped around into her underboob
Her nipples basically existed in her underboob, guys
Her underboob that was flat against her ever-growing belly
When she wore a bra, the condensed fat being pushed into the right places made her breasts feel ridiculously hard
Hard compressed boob fat
I'll take the cup-size difference and stick with my own breasts, thanyouverymuch
Back to D&D
After more BSing people want to get on track and kill wraiths and liches and shit
WH is an awesome DM and we're all invested in what's happening
My snake staff is being pwned, so I'm super into it, hoping my animals make it
Everyone's pulling out their big guns for an epic boss fight
CW missed the last few swings
CW is displeased that she is not pwning the hardest in the fight
Is getting noticably more upset as attention is drawn away from her as her character fumbles
In real life, she begins to act faint
Starts groaning a little under her breath
Furrows her brow
WH was understandably in the middle of keeping track of loads of HP and monster strategies, didn't immediately notice CW's plight
He looks up to find his wife having a...
It's mainly just her groaning and complaining that she's hungry but can't eat because food is the devil during an episode. I don't know.
WH panics
He's in the DM chair which is the most smooshed in the corner
He is blocked by multiple planets who surround the table and rest of the areas surrounding the table
"Fucking...I need to help my wife!"
He jumps up and plows through multiple people to run to the fridge
PSC speaks up that her mom is hypoglycemic, and that if they have any orange juice that is what worked best for helping get sugar into her system and over an episode quickly
WH comes back with a Cherry Coke and hands it to CW
"Don't worry," he says, "a sip of this and she's better in 15 seconds"
PSC looks as confused as I've ever seen anyone look
Can tell that she wants to argue dat science, but she says nothing
Sure enough, a few seconds after the shot of her beetusjuice, CW is back to normal
This hypoglycemia is the most convenient condition ever...for her
" I need food so I don't get faint again.."
"Right away, honey!"
WH runs off to the kitchen to make her a chicken quesadilla and a box of mac n cheese
CW insists that the reason he makes them is because he does such a better job at it than her
ofw We lost our DM for 20 or so minutes during an epic fight because CW guilt-tripped him into making her food
TL;DR: Coolwhipper breaks my birthday present due to delusions about her weight, says I have shitty breasts compared to her awesome cuuuurves, and fakes a hypoglycemic episode during a game of D&D so that the DM would make her food.
submitted by meowcorgi to fatpeoplestories [link] [comments]

2012.08.22 02:21 Son_of_Riffdog Thinking about going outside your relationship? Practical suggestions

So you've somehow found /adultery and are at some level considering going outside your serious relationship (which may or may not involve marriage). Okay, let's talk about it. After nearly a dozen affairs and lots of discussion with others like us I've compiled some general considerations:
Feel free to add other comments or questions. I'll add to this as more points come up.
submitted by Son_of_Riffdog to adultery [link] [comments]