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2013.05.01 23:26 meowcorgi The Tale of Coolwhipper, Appendix C: Dungeons & Doughnuts
Be meJust a note: Later on, Fatbro gave me $15 to get a new frame off craigslist because he also sat in my chair later and it couldn't be said who definitively broke it. CW kept claiming that it wasn't her problem because she was under the weight limit. My point is...Fatbro is a good bro.
Be getting ready to play an awesome game of Dungeons and Dragons
Be a half-elf druid, the girliest combo imaginable!
Our group is too large in numbers and mass to all sit at the table
Luckily I recently got a papasan chair from my momma for my birthday
It's like sitting in a bowl wrapped in a cloud, strangely comforting
The people who play D&D with us are all varying degrees of overweight to obese
(Save the token ridiculously skinny nerd who eats nothing but junk but gains nothing)
Try to figure out how to politely inform them that the weight limit on my chair is 250lbs and to sit in it with their best judgment
Coolwhipper perks up
"Oh, that's how much I weigh!"
She plods over and drops her entire weight into my chair with as much force as she could muster
I hear the bamboo creak
The staples are audibly ripped from their attachments
mfw My poor fluffy cloud chair, you had a good life
CW complains that my chair is horrible and uncomfortable
Soon gets up
I steal my spot back and put my clip-boarded character sheet and dice bag in my lap
We start playing"My boobs aren't small...and they're not bad."
Whipped Hamcream, Coolwhipper's husband, is the DM
Because of this, CW is used to getting gads of attention and special treatment at the D&D table
If she doesn't, WH is denied sex or forced to sleep on the couch
You think he'd be grateful
Absolutely no one enjoys CW's attention whore-ish nature when it comes to playing games
She deserves the best stuff
She does the most damage because she has the best stuff, so she deserves all the cool stuff looted from dungeons
We'd virtually be screwed without her
She's the fatty paste that holds this party together, guys
She needs all the good fixins because without her we'd be screwed
Whatever. I'm a secondary flowery druid character with a bear mount, a tiger that follows me, and a staff that turns into a snake.
Enjoy D&D even though I don't do much
Try to ignore the drama she causes
Gaming goes off track with people talking and nerdy bullshit
mfw I love tangents that are coated with laughter
We're talking about the joys of girls getting more AC by wearing less
There are three girls in our party; me, Coolwhipper, and a pear-shaped chick (PSC).
I'm the most lusted-after chick in our gaming circle
Not trying to be vain, it's just true
Met wildebeetus eventually that way
PSC seems to be happily married, CW is married but still appreciates man attention
So she starts talking about her boobs
Makes the 5 or so nerd fellas really uncomfortable as she gropes herself
"It would be so awesome to get real leather armor, or a leather corset, to cover up these bad boys"
I imagine getting real leather armor... that would be pretty badass. Druids!
Imagine the amount of cows that would have to die to cover CW
She then starts talking about how great big breasts are compared to small ones
Notes how CAHS (mutual friend) has tiny breasts, is pretty, but would be more sexually appealing with larger boobs
CAHS not here to defend self, awkward comments
"Like, who would want a girlfriend with small ones when you could have bigger?"
I dunno, CW, there are limits to the sex appeal of boobs, but what do I know
"Like... who would want boobs like meowcorgi's when they could have mine?"
Were my boobs just called out at the D&D table?
Notice the guys at the D&D table who have crushes on me are sitting there awkwardlyIt's mainly just her groaning and complaining that she's hungry but can't eat because food is the devil during an episode. I don't know.
I feel awkward defending my body in front of them
"I didn't say yours were bad, geez, I just said that mine are better."
Tempted to say bigger by default, not better
Hold it in
She looks to the guys and PSC (bisexual) for backup on this point
Pretty much everyone says it's a matter of preference
Even her husband doesn't yield to her "bigger is better" point
CW looks ticked that no one said she had the bestest knockers in the room
She doesn't, by the way
I've seen them many times
I'm going to paint you a word picture
To start, the distance between each breast is around 5 inches
The distance grows as she expands
They also would lay flat against her stomach paunch when she wasn't wearing a bra
Not all the way to her bellybutton, but almost
Her nipples were also extremely unfortunate
They actually wrapped around into her underboob
Her nipples basically existed in her underboob, guys
Her underboob that was flat against her ever-growing belly
When she wore a bra, the condensed fat being pushed into the right places made her breasts feel ridiculously hard
Hard compressed boob fat
I'll take the cup-size difference and stick with my own breasts, thanyouverymuch
Back to D&D
After more BSing people want to get on track and kill wraiths and liches and shit
WH is an awesome DM and we're all invested in what's happening
My snake staff is being pwned, so I'm super into it, hoping my animals make it
Everyone's pulling out their big guns for an epic boss fight
CW missed the last few swings
CW is displeased that she is not pwning the hardest in the fight
Is getting noticably more upset as attention is drawn away from her as her character fumbles
In real life, she begins to act faint
Starts groaning a little under her breath
Furrows her brow
WH was understandably in the middle of keeping track of loads of HP and monster strategies, didn't immediately notice CW's plight
He looks up to find his wife having a...
WH panicsTL;DR: Coolwhipper breaks my birthday present due to delusions about her weight, says I have shitty breasts compared to her awesome cuuuurves, and fakes a hypoglycemic episode during a game of D&D so that the DM would make her food.
He's in the DM chair which is the most smooshed in the corner
He is blocked by multiple planets who surround the table and rest of the areas surrounding the table
"Fucking...I need to help my wife!"
He jumps up and plows through multiple people to run to the fridge
PSC speaks up that her mom is hypoglycemic, and that if they have any orange juice that is what worked best for helping get sugar into her system and over an episode quickly
WH comes back with a Cherry Coke and hands it to CW
"Don't worry," he says, "a sip of this and she's better in 15 seconds"
PSC looks as confused as I've ever seen anyone look
Can tell that she wants to argue dat science, but she says nothing
Sure enough, a few seconds after the shot of her beetusjuice, CW is back to normal
This hypoglycemia is the most convenient condition ever...for her
"Honey...now I need food so I don't get faint again.."
"Right away, honey!"
WH runs off to the kitchen to make her a chicken quesadilla and a box of mac n cheese
CW insists that the reason he makes them is because he does such a better job at it than her
ofw We lost our DM for 20 or so minutes during an epic fight because CW guilt-tripped him into making her food
2012.08.22 02:21 Son_of_Riffdog Thinking about going outside your relationship? Practical suggestions
Don't let yourself whitewash the potentially catastrophic results of having an affair can have on spouses, partners, kids, family, friends, etc. This is the path of meifumado (hell): deception, lies, abused trust, and all sorts of other sins abound. The moral predicament isn't something everyone can handle, probably for good reason.