Polyamorous Passions - 100% Free Polyamorous Dating ...
I'm polyamorous, and here's how I handle online dating ...
Open Marriage Dating Websites - 5 Awesome Polyamorous ...
Non-Monogamy on OkCupid - OkCupid Help
Polyamory Friendly Dating Sites - 5 Awesome Polyamorous ...
Polyfidelitous Dating Sites - 5 Awesome Polyamorous Dating ...
10 Best Polyamorous Dating Sites 2020 Polyamorous Dating ...
OKCupid, you lie! AKA, what other dating sites … - polyamory
2020.04.03 15:07 newaccount006When people don't read your dating profile
I've been on OkCupid for a little while now. With the coronavirus, I've been spending more time on it and I guess a lot of other people have been too because my matches and conversations have gone through the roof. But none of these new people seem to read my profile. I've clicked with a few people over the last couple weeks and after a couple days, my boyfriend inevitably comes up in some way. And so many people have asked me why I'm on a dating site if I have a boyfriend, accuse me of cheating on him, some women have asked me why I'm talking to them if I'm "gay and have a boyfriend" Literally all of the answers are in my profile. It is clear as day that I'm bisexual, poly, and am seeing someone. I blame OkCupid for their swipe feature, but at the same time, how do you talk to someone for a few days and not read their profile?? Just a rant.
2020.02.27 05:27 enm-girlWhen OkCupid was a poly dating site
Just wanted to see if anyone else remembers when OkCupid circa 2007 had a feature where you could recommend someone you’d dated? It was really cool being able to meet guys who had 4+ women in my extended network vouch for them! I didn’t even know the term ‘polyamory’ at the time ( I didn’t need a term for the way I chose to date) but it’s funny to look back and think ‘wow that was progressive and it’s depressing we’ve gone backwards’. Anyway just curious if anyone else has the same fond memories!
2019.01.13 01:41 NotFunnyHahHahDating sites for kinky people other than Fetlife?
I'm all but broken up with my current partner and it's really bumming me out. I know I'll be on the market soon, and I'm looking for the right app/site to meet the right woman (I'm a straight dominant middle aged man). I met my soon-to-be-ex on OkCupid. I've always liked restraining women with my hands, but she turned me on to cuffs, rope, flogging, choking, face fucking, roleplay... All very loving and sensual but also rough. Now I'm left wondering, How am I going to find a woman who wants what I want? They seem pretty vanilla on OkCupid. I'm aware of FetLife, but honestly I'm not even sure if FetLife is a dating site. Seems more like a kink-partner-finding site and kinkster community forum. But I'm looking for a deep, loving relationship with someone who's sorta kinky but not poly and not fully vested in the kink scene. Maybe I haven't done enough research looking at FetLife profiles, but despite their completely enlightened nature (which I applaud!), they all seem a bit too kinky, too transactional... And women aren't looking for monogamy or even love. Am I all wrong? Do I not have a fair impression of FetLife? Does anyone have suggestion for finding a kinky person who's not a kinkster if that makes sense? Finally should I cross post to a different Reddit? Thanks for humoring all my questions!
2018.12.31 19:11 _throwaway8157Notes after spending 2018 as a swinger
Last New Year’s, my wife and I made a resolution to explore the swinging and poly lifestyle which we had always talked about but never followed through with. I wanted to write down some notes about how we got started, what happened, and my thoughts about the experience. Why did we get started? To give a little backstory we have had 3 threesomes in our 9 year relationship leading up to this and always enjoyed it, but were intimidated to enter into a swinger community because of our appearances and just general nerves. We had always been fairly open with sex among our friends and even had threesomes with a good friend. The friend actually encouraged us to seek out a poly community sometime in late 2017 which prompted the 2018 resolution. Preparing to open our relationship. You hear it over and over in any poly message boards or subreddits that conversation is key and I’m lucky to have a very communication heavy marriage. My wife and I discuss everything at length and on multiple instances from what we plan for our future together, to how we think we need to raise the kids, to how everyday life is going in our household. For whatever reason these conversations for us are not forced, just an important part of our relationship. And we talked a lot about opening up our marriage about how we thought it would affect us and the other partner. But honestly all the prep is good, but you still need to talk at various steps in the process. Do some debriefing after major events and such. So how did we get started? Well, right here on Reddit of course. Well, I did at least. Reading posts and asking questions. My wife took the website approach and joined a few swingers sites, there’s a lot. Also we joined fetlife, and just networked a bunch. Commented on looking for posts, made some of my own posts. Downloaded kik. Texted way more than I’m proud of. Also tried out some dating apps like OkCupid and Tinder. What didn’t work? The swinging sites overall were not great. To be fair, my wife was more in charge of that than me and she quickly grew bored of them. But overall we noticed in general you’d get some brief high energy conversation from people met online, followed by slowly getting ghosted or someone on the other side getting cold feet and telling you it’s too much for them after all. Also we went to a swingers club, which was fun, but didn’t end up with any sex with other people like we thought it might. It was fun for flirting and the place we went, my wife walked around naked or mostly naked while drinking wine, which she found out she loves. She’s kind of an exhibitionist, but mostly she likes it when people pay attention to her, especially when she’s drunk. So it was a fun environment for her. But ultimately the high cover charge and membership fees with lack of meaningful new contacts made us give up after two tries. Fetlife was great for receiving new messages, especially if you’re a woman that shares some sexy pictures. But most of these new people quickly turned out to be too creepy to continue talking to, or sometimes we’d like them a lot and they would never follow through on agreeing to a good meetup time or place. What worked? For me, reddit was the most fruitful, but I also just spend a lot of time on reddit so they go hand in hand. Reddit was great for information and for finding people to talk to. Kik was very big for keeping in touch. It seemed to be the main way everyone talks in the lifestyle. So I’d definitely recommend that. Now I’m Facebook friends with a lot of the swingers I really like and we use messenger to keep in touch in a big group chat. Our first big break so to say happened when a fellow redditor in polyamory suggested going to a house party she was going to. This was exciting and new. Talked to my wife, she wanted to go, we showed up and had sex with people, it was a good time. I had one on one time with a nice girl I met, my wife ended up in a gang bang which she never knew she wanted, but is a highlight of her sexual history now. We also met a dominatrix who introduced us to a lot of cool people and my wife got some bdsm experience from her as well. What do I recommend? Overall, I’d recommend a house party if you are serious about sex with strangers. If you want more of a flirty texting thing, then you can find people to text with almost anywhere online, many on reddit itself. The house parties we’ve attended tend to be great for a few reasons. One, people actually are there to have sex. Which I mean let’s be honest, if that’s your goal, you need to be in person to accomplish it. Also people who show up at a sex party are already mostly there and likely have had more sex than you have, but they might be newbies too, you never know. Two, it’s hard to lie about who you are in person. Online you never know for sure who you’re talking to, but in person, it’s all there. And personally a weird thing I found was, being in a room full of naked people and I’m naked and maybe one or two people are having sex but mostly your just hanging out, it makes me more social. Now I know I’m probably weird here, but think about it, what do they tell you in speech class? Imagine everyone naked! People look weird naked, they’re not porn stars, you look weird naked too! Everyone celebrate your weird bodies and meet new people lol. Three, people are very nice at sex parties I’ve attended, and I would guess they’ll be nice at one you attend too. Here’s the thing, if you go to one of these things, there’s community there. It’s a very weird sub community where people have sex with each other and maybe spank each other, but it’s a community all the same. And communities have rules, and self police themselves. No one wants to get blacklisted, so people are on their best behavior for the most part. And the ones that overstep boundaries are quickly called out on it. I’ve been to about a dozen or so house parties and only once was a guy being inappropriate and he was definitely called out by several guys after making a few girls uncomfortable. Four, it’s great for networking. You meet cool people at sex parties, many you won’t keep in touch with, some you might see at several parties in a row and be friendly with, but some you’ll definitely want to keep in touch with outside parties. After quite a few parties We’ve gotten two groups of friends from people we met at parties. My wife and I even hosted a personal party with all our favorite friends so they could meet each other. Because when you meet people you like and they like you, you want to show them around a bit and introduce them to other like minded people. At least that’s what we’ve found. Five, it’s just fun. If you have any inkling that you might enjoy the lifestyle, you should go to some event. Maybe if you don’t want to jump in with both feet, find a munch to go to. They’re usually at restaurants and just about socializing. Fetlife is the best resource for finding events around you I’ve found. Though personally I have trouble navigating the site, but it really does have a lot of resources available for free. Staying safe. Of course, all this sex does come with risks. Personally I’m a big fan of safe sex and always 100% of the time use a condom except with my wife. This was a big point for me. I saw it as a major red flag if people mentioned not using condoms online. My wife is a little less conscious about it, but we discussed it and she always uses condoms as well because she knows it was important to me. I’ve known a guy that got gonorrhea, which thankfully is curable, but he never uses condoms or at least very seldom so he knew the risks. I do quarterly check ups with my doctor for std screenings as well just in case, but I think that’s made me a tiny bit healthier since I see the doctor more and I’m more apt to bring up random health issues and get reassurance or get something checked out. The doctor also thinks it’s interesting when I tell her about swinging, though I’ll admit she’s a tiny bit judgy and would like me to stop, but overall she’s ok with it as long as I use condoms. Also you need to stay safe from abuse and assault and what not. Now I’m not really into bdsm, but my wife is, and safety should be a main concern there. If you go somewhere they will likely discuss safe words and policies and all that, and if they don’t, you should bring it up. If you don’t feel safe with a dom, definitely don’t do a scene with them. But you can find more info about that in better places. And of course keep your personal life safely separated from new people for a length you feel comfortable with. I mentioned being Facebook friends with some swingers, but that didn’t happen overnight. We built a relationship before we actually knew each other’s last names. Now we actually have a few couples we sent and received Christmas cards from, so you can certainly become friends outside the swinger community with them. How was our personal experience? Wonderful, amazing, fantastic! An adventure of a lifetime where we made great new friends and experienced things I never thought I would. My only regret is not getting involved in the lifestyle at a slightly younger age, but I think having many years where it was just me and my wife helped build our personal relationship. It gave me more confidence in my wife having sex with multiple men. Which I’ll admit, even though I knew it was fine and she loved me and everything, when we started I still had twinges of jealousy, but you know what helped? Doing it more. I mean my wife has had sex with a lot of guys at this point, but it’s just become our norm. I know she loves me and she always comes home. I also reassure her, though she knows I’d never leave her lol. Though I’m much more likely to become totally infatuated and puppy love someone. I tend to get a lot of NRE (new relationship energy) but my wife is more of a one night stand girl, but she’s got a few favorites she goes back to often. Also a big surprise which I didn’t expect, was loving having a new group of friends to hang out with. Friends with similar interests like sex, but also video games and board games! I mean a few weeks ago we had a Smash Party where I played Super Smash Bros naked on a couch with three girls and another guy also naked as we argued the rules of strip-Smash. Then we went and had sex with each other. It was a lot of fun. When you get older, we’re in our mid thirties btw, far away from college friends, married for a few years, you might need to meet some new people to hang out with. Also I explored my personal sexuality a lot this year. Turns out I’m bi, who knew? Personal highlights Personally I’m a big fan of making people cum and I had a lot of success this year. One girl even told me that she never cums with anyone but her husband, but I managed to make her cum one magical afternoon. Meeting an older woman at a hotel for a sexy evening. She’s from out of town and was staying there in business. It was fun. Giving my first blowjob. I’d never fooled around with guys before and I think I’m very heteroromantic, but playing with penises that don’t belong to me turned out to be really fun. Doing DP with my wife and a good guy friend. He was in the her pussy and I was in her ass. She thoroughly enjoyed it, but it was actually my fantasy and I loved it. So many cuddles. I love cuddling naked in a puppy pile with friends. Makes me feel so relaxed. Skinny dipping in the rain with another swinger couple, because we had planned on skinny dipping and damn the weather we were doing it! We nearly froze in late July, but it was fun. Final recommendations. Just try it out. You don’t have to have sex if you don’t want to, but if you’ve read this far you know you’re curious. Go meet some people. Put on your best personality and chat, flirt, get to know some interesting people. Even if you only go to some event once, just think of it like as something you tried that one time because a crazy guy on the Internet recommended it.
2018.12.02 13:20 AntelopesAnonymousHoly shit I think I might be a Narcissist: a story of how the abused became the abuser
I don't even know how or where to start this post...I am still in shock from the realizations I've made tonight; I'm shaking as I type this. This will be VERY long...and very disturbing. I wish I could blame all of the traumas I've suffered in the past as justification for the vile acts detailed here, but I know that the only person responsible for my actions is me. I only hope that by sharing this, perhaps I might be able to help some others feel a sense of solidarity...whether you are me, or are in a relationship with someone like me. We're all just humans. But none of us deserve this. --------
My parents were classic narcs growing up. We were very wealthy: We frequently bought new cars and threw lavish dinner parties. I was expected to dress and behave in a manner that bolstered such a social status. They sent my brother and me to etiquette school so as not to embarrass our guests. Maintaining the status quo was really important to them, and I would be berated and humiliated if they even suspected that I was so much as threatening it. For example, one time in high school, a friend once called the police because I was suicidal. Instead of being compassionate and concerned for my wellbeing, my parents scolded me for "ruining the family's reputation" and embarrassing them. I've always referred to my mom (in secret, of course) as my "Russian-Roulette Mother", because her reactions are always completely unpredictable. Whenever I speak to her, I never know what kind of a response I'm going to get. I could call her just to tell her a funny story about being late to work and without warning she'd BLOW UP, asking, "well what do you want ME to do about it?!", complaining about how her life is bad too--maybe even worse than mine, and then telling all of the ways I've ruined her life. Or she might laugh and say "wow that really sucks! I hate when that happens!" And when I was a kid, she probably called me "brat" or "bitch" more than my actual name. I was also punished whenever I cried, which obviously made me cry even more. She and my dad used money as a means of controlling me. They'd buy me exorbitantly expensive things that I didn't need and never asked for--like a brand new car--and then complain and berate me when I'd ask for help making a necessary purchase, like groceries, during college. They'd say, "YOU'RE SO FUCKING UNGRATEFUL AND SPOILED! WE BOUGHT YOU A $20,000 CAR AND YOU HAVE THE NERVE TO ASK FOR HELP BUYING GROCERIES?!" Most of the expensive gifts would follow horrible, heinous acts of emotional abuse, like when they bought me a pricy condo (that I didn't ask for...) and then immediately tried to evict me from it for no good reason. There were always a million strings attached to every fancy, expensive gift, and there was never a way for me to decline to them. --------
Flash forward to now:
I'm now 26(F) and I recently was dumped by the love of my life (27M), let's call him Eli. We were together for nearly 6 years, engaged since March 2018, and have been friends for nearly 8 years. We had what I would consider a great relationship, but obviously not without faults. I have my own demons (Bipolar II NOS, Borderline, etc.) and he's been struggling with codependency, anxiety, and mild depression. We've been going to couple's therapy since July or August--making progress, but slowly. We've always had issues with communicating. The breakup was actually initiated by me...when I got jealous over him texting a girl that he had JUST "met" on OK Cupid. There's too much to explain there, but suffice it to say we dipped our toes into polyamory. From the start, I knew I couldn't do poly...We'd only tried because I met some dude online and wondered if maybe I was poly. Eli freaked out at first, but then did a poly research binge, got really excited because he thought it "made sense to him", felt a weird vicarious thrill from me having met this guy, and kind of pressured me to pursue things with the guy...(things with the other guy were long distance, hot/cold, never went very far, and ended promptly.) But I knew I couldn't handle my jealousy re: Eli having multiple partners and was never sure if I wanted to try this at all...I was never okay with him making that account (he only made it a week before this night.) I felt he'd violated my boundaries by making it when he knew I was so uncomfortable. 11/03/18 I was high as BALLS on an edible. As in, 10 minutes prior I actually thought I was dying and sobbed for Eli to call 911. But in whatever the fuck state I was in, as he was texting this girl, my jealousy hit me like a bag of bricks, and I blurted out "I THINK WE NEED TO BREAK UP"--even though I didn't mean or want that at all!!! What I really meant was that I just couldn't do poly; I couldn't handle the jealousy. He was as shocked as I was. I told him I wanted us both to be monogamous again. He said he wanted poly...which devastated me. And made me feel like I could never be enough for him. I don't remember much else from that night...but I remember the next day...we were supposed to talk. 11/04/18 I was so depressed. I couldn't get out of bed all day. I heard Eli moving around the house, and the longer the day went on without him coming in to talk, the more abandoned I felt. Did he really not care?! I started spiraling. I began searching online for suicide methods. Finally, at 5:30, I heard him in the kitchen and just snapped. I stumbled down the hall--an absolute mess--sobbing hysterically. I screamed at him, barely able to get any words out. Tears were streaming down my face, snot pouring out of my nose. I was shaking so hard I couldn't even stand. I stammered as I pleaded, "I THOUGHT WE WERE SUPPOSED TO TALK! HOW COULD YOU NOT EVEN CARE? YOU NEVER EVEN CHECKED IF I WAS OKAY! I HAVEN'T EVEN LEFT MY ROOM! I SPENT ALL DAY IN THERE THINKING OF WAYS TO DIE AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN CARE! YOU DIDN'T EVEN CARE ENOUGH TO CHECK TO SEE IF I WAS ALIVE!!!" And then I lunged for him. To me, it felt like a desperate, pathetic shove; a cry for help from a pathetic fragment of a broken human. But to him, it was a fully fledged hit, preceded by a manipulative threat of suicide. He jumped back. I fell onto the floor sobbing, yelling incoherently about how abandoned I felt. I insinuated that he was an asshole for not even caring enough to check on me, and I thought he loved me!! And for the next 3 weeks, he would continue to bring up this day as an example of how he felt scared for his safety because of me. As an example of how blatantly manipulative and abusive I am. And each time, I'd feel excruciatingly guilty for having name-called and laid hands on him in such an inappropriate manner (it was the second time I'd slapped him over 6 years--two times too many, I know), but ultimately feel beyond hurt that he could possibly interpret such an incident as something malicious instead of being able to see it as the broken down shell of the woman he loved, desperately crying out for help in front of him. It was never my intention to be manipulative! I was never trying to threaten anything! The only person I was a danger to was myself! And every time I explained this, he would just argue that I was invalidating his feelings. But what about mine?! 11/05/18 The next day, we agreed to sleep in the same bed. And we ended up having sex. But in the middle of it, I asked him if he was close. He said "yeah, yeah, real close!" And as if I was lucid dreaming and was helplessly paralyzed, I watched as some horrible, alien entity--some fucking Succubus--just took over my body and shoved Eli off of me. And then, with the cruelest, most heartless voice, that was both mine but also entirely foreign, she said "well I don't fucking care." And I felt my body get up and walk away. The entire time it was happening, I had no idea what was going on. I don't even know why I did that. I know it came from a place of deep pain and incredible betrayal, but I felt horrible about it the entire time. It was not premeditated in the slightest. It did not feel rewarding in any way. It did not make me feel powerful. It made me feel like a goddamn monster who just pushed away the person I love most in the world for a reason I can't even understand myself! So I just sat in the bathroom and hid--partially from Eli, but mostly from myself--because I knew if I went back, I'd have to explain myself, and I had no explanation...I knew sorry could never be enough. I heard Eli get up and move to the other bedroom and I knew I had no right ask him to come back...because I knew he wouldn't. So I eventually returned, and just laid in my empty bed and cried myself to sleep, wondering how and why I was even capable of such vile acts. 11/06/18 We each spoke with our individual therapists this day and we had some great talks together at home. Things seemed, at least to me, like we were on the same page. Despite the heinous acts I'd committed--it had seemed like we'd gotten back onto the same page. (And that's not to say that he hadn't acted out of line on his part either...I won't bother listing them, because this is not about scorekeeping.) I honestly thought with 99% certainty that we were going to work things out, but we decided to wait to discuss it all until the next day, during our couple's appointment. I was so optimistic though...I was absolutely not expecting what would happen next... 11/07/08 During the appointment, Eli walked right in and said that we shouldn't get back together.That, in order for each of us to be our healthiest selves and do the healing we needed to do as individuals, we needed to break up. Even our therapist recommended a break instead of a breakup, but Eli insisted on a breakup. I felt completely blindsided. I didn't even say a word. I just stared out that second story window wishing I could launch myself out of it. The therapist validated all of the ways I'd hurt Eli over the course of the relationship and I just sat there, listening, feeling very attacked. At one point, I tried to say "what about the ways I've been hurt?" And the therapist said "this isn't about you. I think you were hurt before the relationship," which felt pretty invalidating. When I got home, my parents were there. Apparently Eli had called them on Monday and they'd driven up from another state to come get me--which infuriated me. It felt like a complete betrayal of my trust, and like another way that he was exerting control over our relationship. They helped me pack up my essentials, and that was the last I saw of my home. 11/08/18 I bombarded Eli with texts to the point that he blocked me on Messenger. I was just so desperate to make it work and I felt like he was giving up on us. He had asked me tomarry himand now he was just going toabandonall of that?! I just didn't understand where he was coming from and I felt absolutely betrayed! Later that day, I tried to use our shared credit card and it was declined. I figured it was just a faulty chip, because we'd made a promise YEARS ago that we'd help each other financially through a break up--and he was my sole source of income. Even during therapy on Wed he reassured me he'd keep this promise! My mom texted him asking if he could mail the spare card, but he replied saying he froze my card. I became absolutely LIVID!!!!! Once again, I absolutely blew up his phone saying what a betrayal this was. 11/09/18 The next day (Friday) he apologized, saying the freeze was off and he felt terrible. That his therapist convinced him to do it, but he felt it was super uncharacteristic of him and he feels SO bad and knows it was a mistake. We agreed to take a week of no contact before calling things off, just to think and breathe, because we both felt our relationship was special and worth saving. And then during that week, I did a LOT of journaling. I began writing down all of the things I wanted to say to Eli, but couldn't because of our promise for space. He agreed to lift the Messenger block because I convinced him that he needed to trust me to respect the space instead of forcing me to adhere to it. And I did! During that week, I made life-shattering discoveries about how much of an abuser I was. And my world collapsed. And I began to feel like a piece of human garbage.
(just some snippets of a few of them...I wrote over 130 pages lol)
11/8/18 "...I was so lucky to have you, and I don't think I ever said that enough...I never felt like I deserved your kindness and patience when you put up with my yelling. And that would just make me even more angry and frustrated--but at myself. I feel like such a worthless piece of shit for harboring all of that anger in the first place, and then for taking it all out on you. And then when you were nice to me back? FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK I'd feel so incredibly shitty and undeserving that I would just be stuck in my shit mood and I'd be way too ashamed and prideful? Maybe? to apologize. Even though I knew you more than deserved it. And when you started to stand up for yourself...I would get so so so pissed because I knew I was out of line and I knew I was acting like shit but I just didn't know how to articulate myself otherwise. I get so angry, I think, because I feel lonely and unheard or unimportant/neglected sometimes and I'm terrified of being abandoned, so naturally, I act in the one way that's sure to drive people away. Why do I do that?!?!?!?!... "Did I ever tell you that I was actually terrified for you to go to therapy? THAT'S how aware of my behavior I was/am. I was so scared that the moment you opened your mouth to any therapist they'd tell you I was literally nothing but abusive and horrible for you. That I treated you like shit, that you deserved better, and that you needed to leave me if you wanted to be healthy and happy..." 11/9/18 "As I stand here weak, trembling, in the void of my newfound emptiness, it's been so easy to focus on how insurmountable this is for me. But, suddenly, my heart has begun to swell with empathy for how burdensome this must've been for you all along...remember how relieving it was for me when you realized you aren't responsible for being my everything? For making me happy whenever I'm sad? Well you never got that relief because, over time, you took on so many non-emotional responsibilities of my life...And I'm so incredibly, deeply sorry that it took the very, very real and plausible threat of me losing all of that to realize how fucked up of a situation it was." 11/17/18 "Maybe I'm parasitic. I was abused as a child by the ones who loved me most. Now I show my love through abuse in the most tragic of ways. I want to do everything in my power to fix that, but can the abused ever truly be healed? Am I doomed to bear the burden of my trauma for eternity? Additionally, I did not ask to be bipolar. I did not ask to be borderline. But I got those too. I try my best not to let them define my, but it gets really hard sometimes. It's devastating to see how many people get caught in the crossfires of my own demons--and yet I say that in such a way as if I were not at all to blame. I know I play an active role in this. At least, I know that now. My past--the way I was treated, the traumas I've suffered, the people I've lost--it only fuels the immense fears of abandonment, loneliness, betrayal, and being unloved that cause me to lash out in the ways that I do. "It's no excuse. I know there's no excuses. Just like there are no apologies or reparations that can undo the damage I've inflicted through these actions. I guess I just mention them because, similarly, there's nothing that can undo all the abuse that was done unto me...And now, as a result, the abused has become the abuser. "Wow, that's a scary thought. If anyone ever needs a wakeup call, I guess you could just tell them that: if you treat someone like shit for long enough, they're going to internalize it until they feel so utterly helpless and defenseless that they fight back in the exact same way that you're fighting them. I guess that means I can relate you on some weird level. Suddenly, I feel even MORE sorry and MORE guilty than I did before when I didn't even know that was possible. I've been treating you like my parents treated me and HOLY SHIT no one should ever have to feel like that."
-------- After our week of silence, we spoke again, and things seemed hopeful that we were going to work it out. We still had a LOT to work on, but Eli seemed like he thought we could get through this. He admitted that he never intended for this to be a permanent separation. I admitted to him all of the realizations I'd made regarding my anger management issues in the past: how completely unacceptable it was that I'd called him names and how haunted I feel by that. How I know that no amount of sorry's can ever undo the damage I've inflicted, and I feel like an absolute piece of human garbage for how badly I've treated him. I've always been aware that it's wrong and always felt bad about it, but never realized the gravity of it before...which I feel ashamed of. I truly am committed to changing now, because I'm tired of being held captive of my emotions and I'm tired of myself and those around me suffering at their expense. I won't tolerate it anymore and I could never forgive myself for what I've done and I could never allow it to continue. He really appreciated that. But throughout the two subsequent weeks, he grew less confident in our ability to work things out and began insisting that he did not want to commit to any sort of relationship during this "break" time. He said that as we worked on ourselves and healed, we needed to be low/no contact and we had to be completely broken up. I asked if that meant we would be no longer referring to each other as fiancé/fiancée and would be dating other people and he said no initially; that we would check back in after a month and that we would have rules regarding not seeing other people. I got really upset as to why he couldn't commit to calling this a break instead of a breakup, and why he couldn't make any compromises, such as seeing each other on the weekends or something. But the more I pushed, the more he started insisting that it be a complete breakup, with complete freedom, no labels, no rules regarding dating others, etc. It got to the point where my life partner and the best friend I've ever had called me, told me we were done permanently (I forced him to say that because I told him I would not wait around for him...because if he wanted to break up, instead of take a break, it felt like abandoning me. It felt like being completely unwilling to compromise. Because he just couldn't give me a valid reason why he couldn't commit to a break instead. So I was trying to call his bluff, I guess...by forcing him to say that...which I realize now was all sorts of fucked up...wtf is wrong with me?!) and then he blocked me. He blocked my phone number. He blocked me on Messenger, again. And then he blocked me on every Instagram account. And on WhatsApp. 11/29/18 And then, he sent me this email:
"I love you, and I care deeply about you. I absolutely do believe that you are a good person. I have told you for weeks that I need more space. I feel overwhelmed, smothered, and exhausted when you insist that we continue re-hashing the same conversations and arguments. What I need right now is not so different from what I have said before: I need to stop talking except for logistics (i.e. pet care, if you want things from the house, etc.). I can't give you an end date for this arrangement, because I don't know how long I need to heal. Continuing to talk is just too confusing for me right now. I absolutely care about you and your feelings, but I need to care for myself too. I hope that you continue to heal and improve on your own like you already have been. Someday, when we're both healthier, I would love to be friends and who knows what else if you are open to it at such a time. I love you, take care, -Eli"
Which only made me furious. Who breaks up with their fiancée over EMAIL?!?!?!?!??! The more he pushed, the more I wanted to reach out. These last 3 weeks he had felt like an absolute stranger to me. No longer had he been this affectionate, compassionate, sympathetic Eli that I've known for 6 years. Suddenly, overnight, he had transformed into a cold, flat stranger. I became my worst self. My high school me: a person I had hoped never to see again--someone I thought was long dead. 11/30/18 I downed Percocets and stabbed myself in the bathroom with razorblades, but my vasovagal syncope swooped in and saved me. Meanwhile, I was texting Eli from a Google Voice number, telling him how I was on my deathbed. We had made a "pinky promise" (a vow which, in our relationship, are few and far between, and taken EXTREMELY seriously) that, no matter what kinds of terms we are, we will ALWAYS be there for each other should one of us be suicidal. But he just said ":( you should seek professional help then." I was ENRAGED!! TRAUMATIZED BEYOND BELIEF!!! BETRAYED!!! How could this motherfucker not care that I was trying to die?! I was not trying to threaten suicide; I fucking MEANT it!! I was so ready to die. I wanted this. But my damn reflexes wouldn't allow it. How dare he not take me seriously?! How the fuck dare he not care?!?!?! He said he loved me and he wasn't even going to fucking call me??? Or text me back?? WHAT THE FUCK!!!! Who had I just spent the last 6 years of my life with?!?!? Since he didn't care, Obviously I really was just a piece of shit. Obviously I was worthless. Obviously I was making the right decision and I should just die. He probably was already fucking that girl from OK Cupid anyway. Later that day, after giving up on cutting, I drove to a sketchy area of town and sat on a train track. I waited for hours in the rain on those tracks for a train to come. I was actually EXCITED to end my life. I felt so calm. Saying goodbye to my dog was hard--so fucking hard--but I had my plushie of my dog to keep me company until the end. I felt exhilarated. I was ready to die.I had no reservations. Eli's apathy made that extra easy. But I still had so many unanswered questions. Why the fuck did Eli block me? It's hard not to feel like shit when you're treated like shit. And it's hard not to feel like trash when you're thrown out like trash--especially by the ONE person in life who is supposed to care about you the very most. I started frantically bombarding him with texts again, telling him if he ever loved me, he would call me now. That I deserved that. And then--he texted me saying "that's manipulative" and blocked me. I called my friend sobbing...idk why. I really did want to die. I was ready. But my friend convinced me that Eli wasn't worth wasting my death over. That I shouldn't die over someone who wouldn't even care if I died. So, absolutely broken and defeated, I went home....but not without sending him one more, guilt-laden email, of course...I don't know if I could ever recover from such a traumatic experience as the love of my life not giving a shit over my completely legit suicide attempts... 12/1/18 Today I had an attack. By attack, I am referring to a chronic, debilitating condition I have. No one in the world has ever been more supportive of them than Eli. And no one else knows how to take care of me during them, either. I panicked...and although I probably could've managed to text my parents instructions from the bathroom, I emailed Eli. I told him to call my Dad and tell him what to do and where my medicine was. Which he gladly did, of course. Then tonight, I was browsing Amazon. Eli and I have a shared Prime account. He'd changed his password, so I couldn't make any purchases, which initially made me super angry because I wasn't going to use his credit card anyway. I only wanted the free 2 day shipping. (Why do I always default to anger?!) But what he probably didn't realize, was that even though he changed his password, I could still see his recent purchases and browsing history... under "buy it again" was a book titled "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life", and under "Inspired by your browsing history" were 9 pages of self-help books on "healing from relationships with narcissistics", "recovering from narcissistic abuse", "how to tell if you are in a relationship with a narcissist", "how to become no contact with your ex", "cutting off contact with a narcissistic lover", "understanding covert manipulation", "recognizing hidden trauma in toxic relationships", etc. And suddenly, everything began to make perfect sense... Why he insisted on no commitment...why he was so indecisive...why he didn't trust that we could work our problems out...why he was SOOOOO insistent on absolutely ZERO contact...why he blocked me and refused to give me any answers...and why all along, he kept claiming that he loved me, but it wasn't about how much he wanted me or wanted the relationship. Immediately; I began to write him another letter in the journal explaining how suddenly, all of this made sense. How suddenly, I understood. Because, if anyone has experience dealing with narcs, it's me. I understand why he feels like he has to do all of this, if he's managed to convince himself that I'm a narcissist. Because of course, if he thinks that, then he can't trust a damn word I say! No matter how much I've promised to make a commitment to change, no matter how much I swear I'm gonna get better, no matter what I say, he can't trust it! And all of the reading he's done and all of his therapists are only going to convince him that those bad feels he was feeling all those years weren't just from normal depression; they were almost exclusively from AntelopesAnonymous-inflicted damaged self worth! And as I was writing this journal entry to him, I was just so baffled at how he could've managed to confuse me for a narc, because I'm so obviously borderline! I feel remorse!! Like SHIT LOADS of remorse!! And I really am not just making efforts to change, but I already AM improving!! This honestly is important to me--for my own sake; not just his!! So I began doing research online, just to be sure, before I finished my letter, because I didn't want to make any false claims when stating the difference between BPD and NPD. But then, the more I read, the more my heart sank...it was like looking into a mirror--some hideous, ugly, despicable mirror: https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/what-to-expect-when-you-break-up-with-a-narcissist These obviously don't all fit me, but the ones that do are just chilling...
2. Attempts to convince you you've made a mistake - "What about all the good times we’ve had together? You look at the negative too much." - I've been telling Eli since the beginning that he's been letting fear rule his decision and that I feel like he keeps dwelling on the negatives of our relationship; that he is being too pessimistic... 3. Attempts to guilt-trip you into staying - "The narcissist brings up every time he has done something nice for you, or stresses how much he cares about you, or reminds you of the wonderful times you’ve had together." - I've been telling Eli how badly I want to help support him through the changes he says he has to make for himself. I've been reminding him of our good memories. I wasn't even trying to be manipulative...or even aware that this was manipulative...I swear to god my intentions were pure...now I feel like shit...I feel like such fucking shit.... 4. Demands for attention, even after you've broken up - "Clients have reported many types of attention-getting behaviors from narcissists who feel rejected, for example:....hundreds of texts or emails in a day, constant pleas for you to “explain” why you want to leave." - Welp, you read this far... You know what I've done. >.< 5. Promises to change - "Suddenly the narcissist says (s)he understands why you are upset and ready to leave. (S)he appears to be taking responsibility for his/her behaviors. (S)he promises to go to therapy, do everything you ask, do things your way. (S)he is so, so sorry to have hurt you." - But...I really am sorry!! I really am changing!!! 8. Neediness - I emailed him when I had my attack.
And basically everything on this site (with the exception of how they mention neither of us seem to feel much sympathy/remorse...because I feel shit tons...And I also feel an immense desire to change...and take a huge offense and how they seem to refer to use like we are some kind of subhuman.) https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-differences-between-abusers-with-narcissistic-personality-disorder-vs-borderline-personality-disorde ----------- Basically, to sum this up....I don't fucking know where to go from here. It makes sense now...even as I was writing this, my behaviors became more and more clear. I'm just so embarrassed about everything. How can I even type that I'm 26 when I behaved like such a child? How can anyone ever believe that my intentions were pure? No one is ever going to believe that I wasn't this bad always...but even if it wasn't always this bad, obviously I was still doing damage because FUCK I'm manipulative and horrible even when I'm not fucking trying to be!! I hurt the people around me when I don't even want to and I think I'm doing it out of love. There's no winning. I don't expect--or even think that I deserve--anyone's sympathy. I know the real victim is Eli. I am haunted every moment by what I've done to him. I know I will be judged harshly for everything I just laid bear for the internet to witness, and I deserve every bit of criticism that comes my way. But I just don't even know what I'm supposed to do because apparently I'm just inherently delusional. I'm not always manic and unstable like this, but I'm apparently always a lurking threat...and that makes me feel so horrible...I understand now why he needed to get away. Eli was never the perfect fiancé, but he was far better than I ever deserved and I will love him until my dying day. Not a day will go by that I won't regret the ways I've mistreated him and not wish that I had a time machine so that I could go back and be better. I don't know where my life is going or what to do...I know I have to respect his space now,even though it's the hardest thing in the world for me. I only wish there was a way I could tell him I know about all of this now, but I also realize that it doesn't even fucking matter. Because, as the daughter of two narcs, I know better than most that you can't trust anything that comes out of the mouth of a narc. And I know that space is important for healing. I just feel so hopeless. And I feel so broken. And I feel so helpless, most of all. And I feel so godawful and guilty for what I've done to the man I love so much. I fucking love you, Eli. And omg, I know it doesn't undo a thing, but I'm so sorry. I hope you can heal. I miss you so much, and I'm truly grateful for all the patience you showed me over the years. I hope this isn't the end-end, but I understand if it has to be...I'm gonna do my part to change. Even though the internet says it's not possible, I'm gonna try to prove them all wrong. Maybe I can be the first fully recovered narc. Thanks for loving me despite my narcissism. I'm so sorry. I just...fuck, man. Wow.
2018.08.15 18:17 SoDatableThe Wrong Places: Online Dating
Theme song Lately I’ve seen a number of posts discuss online dating experiences. I thought I’d go back to an old writing prompt I’ve posted in the past and share my own experiences. So here goes…
Tinder and Bumble and Cupid, oh my!
There are a lot of online dating sites, with different rules and expectations. Tinder is known for being the hookup zone, while OKCupid requires resumes. Bumble requires the girl in the match speak out first, so for men this can either be great or soul-crushing, depending on perspective (“Nobody I match with ever sends a response!” vs “The responses are what matters.”) The point is that right swipes can be fake until they’re real.
There was a time I thought I was undatable – that it was possible to be nobody’s type. I scrapped by dating profiles and decided to suffer my crushes in silence. Then a friend of mine (one of many who said that I was So Datable) helped me to open an OKCupid account – my third – a few years ago. I remember when we went to the library and started on the process. We spent way too long picking out a username before we kinda settled. And then she helped me to write up the initial blurb. I think her moral support (and her sneaky photographs) helped me to get things collected and helped to boost my confidence, and so I used that as a motivator to start battling my own anxiety and started messaging as many people as I could. Initially I wanted to write individual responses for everybody. I wanted them to be unique, but I realized that it took a lot of energy to do this. OKCupid essentially makes people write a resume about yourself, and some people keep a trigger-phrase inside their resume to sort out the “fakes”, except by the time you’re ready to go, you’re expected to have read hundreds of these resumes and have crafted a tailored response for each of them. So I started looking at their questionnaire for compatibility clues and then used canned responses and highlighting something about the person that I liked, prompting them with a question. “Oh hey, nice Ghostbusters shirt! Have you played the AR experience at Cineplex?” I remember, out of hundreds of responses, I got about three dates. And that was a busy week! One was an insurance actuator – the person who determines the costs and premiums on classes of damages. That date sucked majorly because no matter what I said, she’d return to how boring she and her work was. Another was a stoner – I’m down with weed, but not when it’s a life support system. The last one was a woman who was super cool, but we weren’t each other’s type – we became friends and talked for a few years. I occasionally date through OKC, but there is a lot of effort. I find that the people are less likely to flake on dates.
Bumble is an interesting platform. It now features a friend finder and a business networking feature. But first and foremost it’s a dating app. The rules for playing Bumble are simple: swipe right, and if you get a match, she sends the first message. If she does not within 24 hours send you a message, you are unmatched, but you may choose one daily match to extend for an additional 24 hours. I swipe right a lot, and in the time I’ve swiped I’ve matched with up to 5-6 people in a day. Of those matches, I might get one or two responses in a week. So how about the dates? One date was with a woman of class and taste. She was French Canadian, loved dancing, and so we met at a bar. Dinner was good, conversation flowed, and she was an electrical engineer, which was hella interesting! I made the decision to not see her a second time because, to be honest, I feel like we were ultimately seeking different things – the chemistry was different between us. But she was super cool. A dating disaster Another, more recent date: We both wanted to hookup, and we agreed to a date at 7:00. Then work called me on an emergency. I explained that I’d be late, and 7:00 rolled around with no resolution in site, I suggested that we take a raincheque – apologising profusely. Moments later the emergency was resolved – I would have been late, but I was literally around the corner from the location where we agreed to meet. I asked if she’d still like to meet – 7:20PM. She decided that while she’d normally accept that, she felt I was bullshitting her and thought I was looking for an escape. After a quick exchange I explained that we hadn’t even met and we’re already failing to trust each other and conceded that maybe meeting would be a bad idea. You can’t with them all, and that night we were both losers.
I was skeptical. It seemed like a punchline, except with more gonorrhea and herpes, so I was cautions about this. I’m familiar with STI testing panels, and I have no problem asking for them when it’s appropriate. But given the stress, I decided to initially avoid it. One day, on one of my birthdays, a man who was a friend decided to demonstrate his Tinder success: he raised his phone and rapidly swiped right on dozens of profiles, never matching on any of them. He explained that this was typical tinder. He was laughing, but he seemed hurt by it – and this was a man who was known for having casual hookups, mostly because he talked about it a lot. This got me curious, and decided to roll the dice. After hundreds of swipes (and a $60 membership that I will never buy again), I met a woman with a government job. I was genuinely interested, but she kept telling me that she was boring. She reminded me of the insurance actuator, and to be honest I thought she was more my type. But when someone tells you that they’re boring or not worth it, you tend to believe it eventually. I don’t have space for people who lack so much confidence that supporting them is a drag. I Another was a singer. I love singing, and we talked about meeting up over karaoke. We kissed, but she never returned my messages. Another woman ghosted me for three days after our date, before telling me that she reconciled with her ex. I wished her well and asked her to respect my request to not text me in the future. I sincerely hope they worked it out. Another was someone who works at a preschool. She and I see each other quite a bit. Things between us were complicated at first, but we’ve sorted them out.
I’ve been using dating sites for years. They’ve been pretty hit and miss. I havn’t listed all of my experiences; my reddit experiences ones were left out, and I’ve left out others. A few didn’t pertain to online dating (like the girl who hit on me recently at, of all places, the goddamn food truck festival in Toronto!). I also havn’t gotten into the nitty gritty of every date I’ve been on. But one thing I can say for sure is that they can feel like soul-crushing drags. Take breaks and recognize that other people have been there, because it’s not you; it’s everyone. Change your pictures. A fellow redditor I met on a group hangout suggested that pictures of you at events like weddings and the like can seriously affect your success for the best. I found that there's a serious uptick in my results when I change up my profile pics. A new angle on who you are as your cover image can make a lot of difference about the people you meet and the person you are at that time. Make sure people see you as you are and at your best. Be honest about what you want. Be proud of who you are. I found that fun banter with a little honesty about seeking ongoing casual serial-mono-poly action got me better responses than milquetoast “I wanna talk about rollercoasters!” smalltalk. I also found that, when I didn’t list my nerdy hobbies, I didn’t list any hobbies, and that made me as entertaining as a bowl of mayonnaise. Add sprinkles about yourself and let yourself shine. Mayonnaise and sprinkles are a lot more attractive, and if nobody’s tried it before, they might ask for a spoon. This analogy isn’t very good, but whatevs, it's my analogy. One last thing: leave them your number. Give them the chance to speak to you. We often rehearse what we write until we've sanitized it to the point where we forget to leave ourselves in our writing. Speaking forces you to speak honestly, and gives you a chance to screen them. I find that people are way more likely to respect me with graceful exist and enthusiastic confirmations of plans once we've spoken and texted a few times.
2018.02.25 13:37 OpposumDixieOKCupid, you lie! AKA, what other dating sites are good for polys?
Like many people I was unhappy when OKCupid unveiled its "real name" policy. Although I was going to delete my profile I ended up not because I was able to thwart the policy by just deleting the number from my username. I'm also really unaware of what other options there are for poly dating, so I feel stuck with them. However I'm so annoyed right now. In the past a friend was showing me her profile and I checked out mine from her account. It showed I responded "frequently" to messages, which was hilarious since I had answered exactly one message within like a year of checking. I just checked again from another friend's profile and I see that I supposedly "liked" a bunch of guys who liked me, but again, I haven't been using the site. I thought about if it was possible I'd been hacked but there's no other activity on the site, no messages sent from the account or anything and my home computer is the only place I have ever logged into my account. You can no longer see when your last login was, which is too bad but I'm pretty confident no one is in my account. Which leads me to think OKCupid is just either malfunctioning or they're faking it. I wouldn't so much mind if it looked like I responded frequently except that as a bi poly women I get so much crap thrown at me through messaging, and I wonder if it looks like I'm like easy on OKCupid and it's not helping? Plus matching me with guys who I don't necessarily like it super annoying. Like it's my real photo on there and I don't like making it seem like I'm more interested in people than I am. I just don't like the manipulation. So what dating sites do you use with polys that you like?
2018.02.18 05:03 AnxiousAboutStuffHow do you begin dating in a small town?
Hey, folks. My wife met someone and has asked to open the relationship up, so I've decided to try dating. The problem is, I have no idea how to do so discreetly and effectively. And it has to be discreet because my wife doesn't want her parents - who literally live down the street - to ever find out about this arrangement. The problem is, we live in a small city of about 100,000 people (with no larger city within about a 3 hour drive) where everyone knows everyone and gossip moves fast. So, it's not as if I can post a profile somewhere with my face and/or name without, I think, the wrong people finding out. Can anyone give me suggestions about what I can do? I've never done online dating, so I don't know what the options are like - can I build a profile on a site like OK Cupid or Plenty of Fish without it being obvious who I am? I've also heard that Ashley Madison was rebranding itself and marketing to the poly market. Is that a good option?
2018.02.11 15:00 bellydancer_13Crushes and first date advice
So, my partner and I recently re opened our relationship and want to do poly correctly this time. Last time, we were secondaries and trying to save our doomed primary relationships. Anyways, we were monogamous for 3 years but never took poly off the table :) just wasn't a good time we were going through a lot trying to build a life together trying to deal with my depression and job situations. Now that things have been stable for awhile, we wanted to try again. :) My bf is sorta dating a friend of mine with my blessing, in my area of the Kink and poly communities are sort of combined, so are all in the same community. I was happy for them but a little jelly only in that my partner already had someone to date and I was back on OkCupid. I am the female and I knew I could find someone but man I Hate the new site. So, what's the point of this? Well, apparently I was the subject of a crush I did not know about for 2 years ish? And now we are going on a date and I am so nervous! I need some reassurance lol any advice for going back to poly or just nerves on first dates.
2018.02.11 07:59 lazy_princessI hate how when I talk about polyamory, the first thing people think about is the word "cuck".
So many times when I've talked about being poly, somehow the word "cuck" magically makes it's way into the conversation. Usually it's a coworker I'm not very close to, who overhears a conversation and decides to join in. I'll be talking about OkCupid or potential dates. Most people know I'm in a relationship, so they give me a weird look and start asking questions. "Does your boyfriend know you're on a dating site? Is he ok with it? Why?" They never outright ask or accuse my boyfriend of being a "cuck", but the implication is always there. I mean, why else would they start talking about after learning I'm poly? "Coincidence"? It's such an irritating assumption. My sex life with other men (though non existent) has nothing to do with my nesting partner. We aren't interested in having a threesome. And no, he doesn't want to watch if another guy had sex with me. (All of those are fine, they just aren't what I want, or what he wants.) It's becoming the main reason I don't talk about polyamory at work. Suddenly I start hearing people say "cuck" behind my back as they look at me like some kind of adulteress. One coworker is especially judgemental and rude. I do my best to ignore him because he's full of shit, but he actively tries to turn people against me. It's frustrating. But, at the end of the day I come home to my happy relationship. I've got my engagement ring picked out. We're ordering it by the end of the month. I just wanted to rant about the rudeness I dealt with at work today.
2017.12.31 01:15 polygirl103My tips and tricks for meeting other poly partners (or just friends!)
First post on here :) Newly self-identified poly woman, 20's, and have met some great people over the past couple months. I wanted to post my tips/tricks on how I've found people interested in polyamory, and how to increase your search pool to find similar like-minded people. I've been reading these posts for a while and it seems to be an issue for many. Keep in mind, I don't live in a very "poly centered" area, but I have had luck doing the following. Feel free to add any other tips if you have them :) Tinder Many people claim Tinder isn't a good place to meet polyamorous people, and I actually disagree. I've talked to many poly-identifying people on Tinder, the trick is that you pretty much have to go against Tinder's "fast swiping" method. Most people on Tinder just endlessly swipe on people they find attractive, and don't read anyone's bio. To have any type of success with Tinder, you need to read all bios. I, as a bisexual woman on Tinder, might have a larger pool of poly women considering that polyamory and queer tend to frequently have overlap, but that doesn't mean that men have 0 chance. Yeah, it's annoying having no filter process, but because Tinder is the mecca of dating apps, you'll have more luck if you put in the effort. What I will do, is scroll through each bio looking for "poly or non-monogamous." Many won't advertise this (so still swipe right on people you like!), but surprisingly, many do. Whenever someone does and I think they're attractive, I "Superlike" them. Some see Superlike's as creepy, but personally they really help you stand out and the person is more likely to read your bio where you say YOU'RE poly. Tinder free gives you 1 superlike a day, if you pay it gives you 5 a day. I've been having luck with finding a decent amount of people who identify as poly on there, so I just coughed up the $10. OkCupid There's a few ways to sort for polyamorous or non-monogamous people on OKC. The first way is to, of course, sort by people who say they're looking for "non-monogamous... (x, y, or z.)" Some of these people will be poly, some will only be in open relationships or just looking for casual hookups. The second way, is to search people who are "not single." Again, some of these people will be poly, some won't. The third way, which has been advertised, is "OKC for the non-mainstream user" plugin, where you can click on profiles and it'll display a graph of your important questions and how they answered, so you can see their stance on non-monogamy. The fourth way, if you're willing to cough up $8-$10 a month or just try it for a month, is by sorting by questions. Instead of wandering through a bunch of profiles, you can search people specifically by how they answered questions on non-mono and poly. I've found the most common question on OKC relating to non-mono that MOST people answer is, "Would you ever be in an open relationship?" If you search people specifically by how they answered this question, you'll find people that might not brand themselves as poly but are open to the concept. Poly meetups As we all know, poly meetups. Enough said. Feeld I don't personally suggest Feeld for polyamorous people who aren't into group sex or are more looking for separate romantic relationships, however I have seen some poly singles and couples on the Feeld app. It takes some scrolling, but they does exist. If you're a more kinky/sexual poly person, this app will open some opportunities for you. There are a lot of interesting and attractive people on there. LAST TIP: POLY PEOPLE KNOW POLY PEOPLE. There's been lots of poly people I've seen on the sites and met in real life who I haven't been sexually or romantically attracted to. Don't underestimate friendship. Poly people usually know other poly people, and might know someone you will like. It's also nice to have a community where you can hangout together and discuss ideas. Hope this helped!
2017.11.09 00:50 tjrlyehOpening our relationship, not sure where to start
Hello! So my girlfriend(24F) and I(24M) of 5 years have recently decided to open our relationship on my end. After a decline in our sexual compatibility and much introspection, my girlfriend recently came out to me as being asexual. We are very much in love and I support her sexuality 100%. She would like me to experience sexual intimacy with someone new and I have been thinking of trying out non-monogamy as well. I've started to try out dating sites and apps to figure out how to meet someone new that would be understanding of my situation. I'd like to find a woman interested in casual dates that could lead to being friends with benefits, but no potential for a long-term relationship or a boyfriend/girlfriend connection. I'm not personally looking to have a poly-amorous relationship and really just want to save the emotional attachment for my own girlfriend. I'm curious what site you all would recommend to someone in my situation. Somewhere I can be open about my non-monogamy, but also discreet since I'm not comfortable discussing this with my friends/family. I tried dating apps like Tinder and Bumble, but deleted them after a week since the conversations went nowhere and they were too addicting for no reason. I'm on OkCupid and Plenty of Fish, but women in my area seem to only specify they are looking for dating. Any advice on how to meet someone new with a similar interest would be appreciated! :)
For as long as I can remember, all I’ve wanted for myself was to be in a relationship. To be a girlfriend. To have someone that isn’t related to me try and understand who I am, share their life w/ me and lean on each other during trying times. I can literally remember a boy in kindergarten asking me to be his girlfriend and I was ecstatic about it...until he asked another girl and tried to have 2 girlfriends. That’s where I drew the line. I was hurt by it. Even at that young age I understood the toll that rejection takes. Fast forward 3 decades and it’s still happening. My serious relationships can be counted on less than 1 hand despite my attempts. 2 rounds on both Match and Eharmony (paid and not). Bumble (where someone told me I was out and they were a racist). Hater OkCupid “Specialty” sites The one thing I’m finding are people only looking for hook-ups, one-nighters or a poly situation. It feels like the days of monogamous dating and getting to know someone over and I missed my stop on the route. Until I run into people in long term relationships or they’ve been married since 23 and have popped out a few kids. Where the fuck did you guys come from?! In the past 12 months I’ve met 5 great (and flirtatious) guys that I’ve clicked w/ but are married or taken. I feel like I have a sign on my forehead that reads “come here if you can’t or won’t commit to me.” Seeing couples can be physically painful for me at times. I find myself averting my eyes if I spot a couple about to hold hands as they’re walking down the street. Or turning my head as another couple steals a kiss while we’re waiting for the traffic light to change. I’m doing all I know to do and everyone around me are pairing off, getting pregnant, married, moving in together or all of the above. How is it that they have found someone (seemingly very easily) and all I’m getting only getting propositions from people I’m not interested in? Is this one of the circles of hell? Am I in relationship Groundhog Day? Doomed to meet (categorically) the same people over and over again but never get the happy ending? I’m exhausted and tired of looking. I’m thinking the best thing to do is stop trying.
2017.08.07 02:25 tattoo-technician247New to this hope people are open
Hi Iam new to poly relationship was actually wife's idea she came out one night and confessed she wanted to date others. Iam (24m) she (26F). After probably about a week of talking about it and rules and such I finally agreed. Now we been together 6 yrs not afraid of her leaving or anything like that we have always been open to each other. Fast forward a few weeks I tell my best bud about it, she tells hers who has been in poly before. Well she is very hot so I expected guys to hit on her fast but she is picky but eventually finds guy she now has relationship with and is nice. Me however no luck try different bars, date sites, tinder, OkCupid, pof, I get messages but go ghost or curse you out later after they finally read bio. Looked online for other sites but where just to odd. Iam upfront honest guy probably my problem but don't want to lie. Not sure what Iam doing wrong maybe been out of game to long not sure. Any positive advice is appreciated.
2017.07.27 18:53 Abscillius(Update) GF had a revelation, embracing a new lifestyle.
Figured I’d give an update now that things have been less crazy and hectic. Apologies for the length The Story So Far: My wife and I have been together for 3 years, and we’re very invested in each other. I lost my virginity to her and many other firsts. And she’s been in a lot of relationships, and has described herself as a serial monogamist. About 6 months ago she came out to me as non-monogamous, it’s always been in her and she feels it’s more like a sexuality, but there’s been no infidelity, just her own feelings of wandering. I had previously said that a third person is one of my hard lines, and I couldn't do that, so when she came out to me we had a really hard discussion and she was certain I would break up with her. Once we got into it I realized sex is a stupid thing to lose someone important over. Everyone has friends they love and this just takes it a little further. Okay so now it’s been some time, and she’s had one road and three plane trips to see the other guy. The stand out obstacle is losing her for days at a time, the interrupt in routine and me finding it’s nearly impossible to sleep without her next to me. The pain hasn't lessened over these trips, I still zone out at night when she’s away and drink to help me sleep. I wake up with lots of water and exercise because I know it’s unhealthy to drink your problems away, but sometimes it’s impossible. When she comes back I sleep like a baby and it’s just as hard the next time. Travel is hard on any relationship, but add the extra part about another lover and it’s no small hurdle. My jealousy has its ups and downs, too. I feel weirdly angry sometimes because part of the argument for non-monogamy is because people often feel like objects, like they’re being limited and that’s abusive or just not right for people to control others. But, honestly, I feel more like an object now that she can pay attention to whomever she likes and I’m expected to wait for her to come back to me. Before anyone reads too much into it, we talk everything out, and I’ve mentioned this to her specifically. We’re working on ways to fix it, but it’s not easy, and it’s more a part of how I feel and who I am than how she treats me. It’s still a really hard feeling, I’m really glad she’s happy, but for myself I feel like an old, forgotten toy sometimes. After talking to a lot of non-monogamous people, that’s a really common feeling, mostly in guys I’ve talked to. We actually feel strong compared to before, we are more open and honest, both of our sex drives have ramped up and we’re both happier than ever. It's also exceptionally difficult to find someone, and that’s another thing I’m finding is common with non-monogamy, men have kind of a terrible time finding someone. I’ve tried multiple dating sites, even OkCupid, forums and groups, and it’s come to nothing. I’m not so desperate to find someone that I’ll go to club or anything (no offense to clubbers, I like the scene I’m just kind of asocial). So right now I’m just working on myself, and my wife has acknowledged that she has it much easier right now, since she hasn’t had to deal with me and another woman. And lastly, the guy she’s dating…he’s actually less acclimated to the lifestyle than we both thought. He’s dealing with issues I’ve since gotten over, and it’s actually pretty frustrating. I’m indignant that he’d enter into a non-monogamous relationship with a woman who has a husband, and then get jealous of me and be super insecure. He’s fully allowed his own feelings and thoughts, obviously, but he presented himself as fully poly and he’s not at all. He even said he’d go mono for the right partner. He’s a good guy, though, and he’s working really hard to fit into the situation, and we’re doing all we can to include him and be supportive. So to anyone looking into non-monogamous partners, everybody is unique, nobody is a poly ideal. Even if they say they’re poly, he/she is still a person and they’re at their own unique place in the journey. Saying that, we’ve thought a lot about our future, and we’re going for a more inclusive relationship. My wife isn’t actually polyamorous, she fits the monogamish ideal because she’s so in between lines. For the sexy times, we’re actually even planning a threesome in November, and we’re all actually really excited. I’m doubly excited to not have my wife leave for a whole weekend. She has also even expressed bi-curiosity, which is really interesting because her mom is gay and she has a lot of pain and angst associated with it. So she’s kind of blossoming a little and confronting things in her she never thought possible as well. Overall…things are going really well. Every relationship is hard, none is perfect. But I’m happy despite the hard times, and she’s happy (which makes me fucking gleeful _^ ). My wife is being amazingly supportive, and i'm doing my best as well. The things I’m learning in my adventure are that this is a lot of work, and as long as you’re both in it for each other and not just wild sex, you’ll get closer and be more real than you ever thought. I respect her in ways that I never thought of, and without sounding like a douche she says she is learning to appreciate me more. It’s opened up our sex lives, our honesty and our comfort in being ourselves around each other. This is the wildest things I’ve ever agreed to undertake and it’s really helping us as a couple. I kind of owe a lot to this sub, and I do have my own mixed thoughts about full polyamory and all the forms of non-monogamy, but you guys and girls are really helpful and awesome. You helped me and my wife understand a lot of things, from large to small, and I wish I could contribute a little more than just a post about my story. But in the end posts like these helped me the most, so maybe someone will come across this and feel a little better knowing that this can work. I’m currently in an asymmetrical monogamish relationship, with me as her primary and her having extracurricular activities while I am still monogamous but opening up. I may change if I meet someone, but after looking and understanding my own feelings, I’m open to it, but I’m not actively looking anymore. Tl;dr Learning new things after opening my relationship a few months ago. Love you peeps
2017.07.27 14:51 AstroBlaster83Poly dating - how to find people?
My wife and I are relatively new to the poly lifestyle. We started out on FetLife and she found someone she's very very into (and he's very into her) pretty quickly. I, on the other hand, am having a harder time finding women to date on that site. I've tried the traditional dating apps (Tinder, OkCupid, etc) but finding women there who are okay with/into the poly lifestyle is difficult to say the least. So, any tips for places to find dates who are open to poly?
2017.04.16 05:59 baristabluntgirlJealousy, moodiness, and spinning my wheels trying to find a same sex partner
This may get long, so I apologize : My (let's call me A, 32F) best friend (30F) identified as stubbornly straight the whole time I've known her. She (let's call her B) just broke up with her long term boyfriend, began dating a female lesbian friend (C), and now "doesn't believe in labels." I'm trying to be a supportive friend but I'm losing my shit. I've been married for seven years and together for 12 years with my husband (D). In the fall, D and I opened our marriage because we both discovered we identified somewhere on the poly/swinger spectrum. I was also bi-cycling hard towards women and haven't been with a woman since I was 20, before D came into the picture (was faithful throughout the time our relationship was mono despite the bi-cycle and poly urges). D and I opened our marriage and put up profiles on Tinder and OkCupid to see what was out there. I quickly realized that I have no problems attracting men but women are a total enigma to me. After wading through all of the men just looking for one night stands and getting rid of them, plus filtering the many "nice rack" messages by deleting them, I found a couple of FWBs that are great but also male. B and C confronted me that I was acting weird/pushing them away, which I kind of was subconsciously. For lack of a better term, I felt like "It's not fair! I've been looking for a girl forever and you claim to be straight but take out of my dating pool!" Of course, I was much nicer about it than that. Bottom line, D and I have discussed what we're looking for in an open relationship and set boundaries. Neither of us desire serious relationships outside of each other. However, neither of us is really a completely pure swinger because we want some continuity (ie prefer not to have one night stands). I really want a female FWB. Dating apps don't seem to be working, I'm shy, I don't want to lead anyone on given my situation, but I don't want a one night stand at a swingers club either. How do I even go about finding women to casually date? I feel like my jealousy of B and C, plus my crazy bi-cycle, will subside if I have my lady-cravings satisfied, but I'm totally spinning my wheels looking. TL:DR: "Straight" friend enters same sex relationship, I get upset because I've been trying to find a woman to date but it's complicated by the fact that I'm married to a man and poly. Dating sites not working, can't figure out how to find a female FWB. x-posted to bisexual
2017.04.16 05:52 baristabluntgirlJealousy and moodiness coupled with an insane bi-cycle
This may get long, so I apologize : My (let's call me A, 32F) best friend (30F) identified as stubbornly straight the whole time I've known her. She (let's call her B) just broke up with her long term boyfriend, began dating a female lesbian friend (C), and now "doesn't believe in labels." I'm trying to be a supportive friend but I'm losing my shit. I've been married for seven years and together for 12 years with my husband (D). In the fall, D and I opened our marriage because we both discovered we identified somewhere on the poly/swinger spectrum. I was also bi-cycling hard towards women and haven't been with a woman since I was 20, before D came into the picture (was faithful throughout the time our relationship was mono despite the bi-cycle and poly urges). D and I opened our marriage and put up profiles on Tinder and OkCupid to see what was out there. I quickly realized that I have no problems attracting men but women are a total enigma to me. After wading through all of the men just looking for one night stands and getting rid of them, plus filtering the many "nice rack" messages by deleting them, I found a couple of FWBs that are great but also male. B and C confronted me that I was acting weird/pushing them away, which I kind of was subconsciously. For lack of a better term, I felt like "It's not fair! I've been looking for a girl forever and you claim to be straight but take out of my dating pool!" Of course, I was much nicer about it than that. Bottom line, D and I have discussed what we're looking for in an open relationship and set boundaries. Neither of us is really fully polyamorous in the sense that we don't desire serious relationships outside of each other. However, neither of us is really a completely pure swinger because we want some continuity (ie prefer not to have one night stands). I really want a female FWB. Dating apps don't seem to be working, I'm shy, I don't want to lead anyone on given my situation, but I don't want a one night stand at a swingers club either. How do I even go about finding women to casually date? I feel like my jealousy of B and C, plus my crazy bi-cycle, will subside if I have my lady-cravings satisfied, but I'm totally spinning my wheels looking. TL:DR: "Straight" friend enters same sex relationship, I get upset because I've been trying to find a woman to date but it's complicated by the fact that I'm married to a man and poly. Dating sites not working, can't figure out how to find a female FWB. x-posted to polyamory
I'm new to poly and in need of an explanation of the terms. Can someone please explain or provide some links to good info. Also, I (33m) am on OkCupid and have had a hard finding poly/open people on there. (My SO (33f) has had no issue finding ppl on okc!) are there any other dating sites or chat rooms that are poly based?
2016.11.17 18:47 33HeadacheCommunicating with New Partners - Is it necessary to call my wife, my wife?
I primarily use online dating or match apps to find potential new partners (okCupid and Tinder, mostly). On all of my profiles I make it clear that I'm already in a relationship. The difference is that on sites like okCupid where I can be a little more descriptive and clear about different aspects of my relationship/lifestyle I specifically state that I am married and poly. Thanks to their more detailed profiles and their questions it is easy to lay out what I'm looking for and what my current relationship is like. But on Tinder, for example, I just state that "I'm in an open relationship" because I find that, at the very least, gets the point across that I'm non-monogamous. My question is really this - is it dishonest to not be explicit that I'm married, and not just dating? And how much, if it all, do I need to bring up/talk about my wife? For example, and this is what's really bringing these questions up - I just started talking to a new girl on Tinder and things are going fairly well. At one point she asked if I "was really in an open relationship" (I guess trying to find out if I'm cheating?). I told her yes, and that we were poly, and hoped it wasn't a deal-breaker because I really liked her. She said she had no problems with poly or open relationships, but that she'd never been involved in one in any capacity, and wasn't quite sure how she felt about seeing a guy who's already in a relationship... but that she was willing to test the waters because she liked me, too. We haven't met in person, but have been talking fairly regularly over the past couple of weeks. NOW. Knowing how she feels about the issue I have basically avoided any mention of my wife, and have not come out and said that I'm married. When talking to people I usually "play it by ear" and bring up my wife and general poly stuff in accordance with the other person's comfort level. Part of me is worried that I'm being dishonest by avoiding the topic completely, and I'm afraid that it will come across as a "bomb drop" when I eventually do end up revealing that I'm married. I'm not lying and calling my wife my girlfriend or implying that I live alone or anything, I'm just avoiding the topic completely. But the other part of me is excusing this by saying it shouldn't matter, she knows I'm in a poly relationship and the "marriage" label doesn't carry the same weight when we have 0 religious affiliation and aren't monogamous, the "husband and wife" titles are more just symbols of our commitment to one another, and nothing more. But I guess I'm worried that someone else's preconceived notions about what being married means could taint things. Am I overthinking this? Why am I so afraid of saying something about "my wife" to this person?
Polyamory: OKCupid - I Don't Date Black Women Message
OKCupid.com - Matching algorithm
PlentyofFish vs OKCupid - Which Free Online Dating Site Is ...
Ok Cupid or Plenty of Fish??
Inside OKCupid: The math of online dating - Christian ...
A review of OKCupid
Top 5 dating sites 2020
My review of the online dating site Okcupid! My experience, and my opinion, what has it been like for you? Music: Dan-O Songs, 'Invisible Love' http://www.da... Watch what a man recently experienced on OkCupid, the online dating site. After going through the sign up process, he found out the best free dating site on earth wasn't exactly totally free after ... Secure a first meeting more quickly than on other dating sites. Paid dating site - https://www.okcupid.com OkCupid is the only dating app that knows you're more substance than just a selfie—and ... Polyamory: OKCupid - I Don't Date Black Women Message ... I write about various topics. Site contains some adult material so you must be 18+ to view the site. ... Polyamory: Online Dating Chit ... http://yourlifeyourlove.com - Looking for the best free online dating site and trying to decide between PlentyofFish vs. OKCupid? 'LIKE' the video and POST W... In this video you will learn, how the algorithm of the popular dating site OkCupid works. Source: okcupid.com. View full lesson: http://ed.ted.com/lessons/inside-okcupid-the-math-of-online-dating-christian-rudder When two people join a dating website, they are matched...